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The Dutch Detective 

A Farce in Three Acts 



By 

WALTER BEN HARE 

Author of "The Hoodoo" "The Boy Scouts" "Teddy, or 
The Runaways" "A College Town" "A Rustic Romeo" 
"A Southern Cinderella" "Aaron Boggs, Freshman" 
"The Fascinators" "Savageland" "Laughing Water" 
"Isosceles," "Macbeth a la Mode" "Mrs. Tubbs of 
Shan ty town ," "The Adventures of Auntie" "Aboard 
the Good Ship Jane," "My Little Chauffeur," etc. 



NOTE 

This play may be performed by amateurs free of royalty 
and without express permission. The professional stage rights 
are, however, strictly reserved, and performance by professional 
actors, given in advertised places of amusement and for profit, 
is forbidden. Persons who may wish to produce this play 
publicly and professionally should apply to the author in care of 
the publishers. 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 
1914 



The Dutch Detective 



CHARACTERS 

{Originally produced by the Presbyterian Baracas, 
Syracuse, N. Y., Dec. 18-19, J 9 J 3') 

Otto Schmultz, a correspondence-school detective. 

Plunk Jarleck, escaped from the asylum. 

Jabo Grabb, the police force of Splinterville. 

Major Hannibal Howler, on the war-path. 

Augustus Coo, a newly -wed. 

Gladys Howler-Coo, his bride, the Major s daughter. 

Ambrosia McCarty, the queen of the lunch room. 

Miss Araminta Sourdrops, who loses her Jabo. 

Hortensey Shatters, escaped from the asylum. 

Katrina Kraut, from Hatnilton Cidy by der Schtate of Ohio. 

Time. — Thirty days. Place. — Splinterville. 

Time of Playing. — About two hours without specialties. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. The railroad station at Splinterville. Lovers and 

lunatics. 
Act II. The railroad station at Splinterville. Votes for women. 
Act III. The railroad station at Splinterville. The midnight 

choo-choo. 

" So that we may disport ourselves on our own 
plane to the top of our bent." — George Bernard Shaw. 




Copyright, 191 4, by Walter Ben Hare 

All rights reserved 

Tent show and all other professional rights (including the 
translation into foreign languages) strictly reserved by the 
author who may be addressed in care of the publishers. 

©OLD 36116 
FEB 24 !914 



3515 
^575Hg 

COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 

Otto Schmultz. A typical stage Dutchman. High color in 
cheeks, shaggy eyebrows, and short square bunch of whiskers on 
chin. Use immense front pad. Trousers rather short, showing 
striped sox. Rough shoes (not wooden), bright scarlet vest and 
dinky low-crowned derby hat. In Act III he wears a child's 
soldier cap. Carries large red mustache and felt hat in pocket for 
a disguise. 

Plunk Jarleck. Actor should be about same size and build 
of the actor who plays Augustus. Hair black and rather long. 
Face very pale (use very light shade of grease paint or blend pure 
white with a very little tan or red). Gray shadows around eyes. 
Tight, dark trousers, black shirt, linen collar buttoned but not 
fastened to shirt so he can turn it round and round as he talks, a 
characteristic gesture. No tie. Ministerial coat and battered top 
hat or old black derby. He has a revolver in pocket of coat and 
-carries a large gray blanket in which is concealed an Indian head- 
dress made from chicken feathers. When he hides back of lunch- 
counter in Act II he dons the blanket and feathers. Play part 
softly and slowly with frequent smiles at nothing. He often stares 
in distance and his lips move as if speaking but absolutely inau- 
dible when other characters are conversing. This is a character 
somewhat new to the amateur stage and cannot fail to stand out 
prominently if carefully played. 

J ABO Grabb. Aged forty. The typical stage " rube constable." 
Sunday suit of gray or tan, much too small. Celluloid collar and 
bright pink satin tie (huge, flat four-in-hand). Black boots, fancy 
vest too short, small-rimmed straw hat with fancy pink band. Red 
silk handkerchief, folded and projecting from breast pocket. 
Large tin badge on coat Bouquet of red and white roses pinned 
to coat lapel. Blonde chin whiskers that stand out in front. 

Augustus Coo. Stylish summer suit. Long black coat and neat 
silk top hat. Cane, monocle, small mustache, white spats, etc. 
The actor cast for this part should be of the same general appear- 
ance as the actor who plays Plunk, as the audience must think 
Augustus is Plunk until the denouement of the third act. In Act 
III he wears Plunk's blanket and feather head-dress. In Act I he 
carries two new suit-cases. 

Gladys Howler-Coo. Aged nineteen. Petite and much ex- 
cited throughout the play. Stylishly dressed in summer suit of 
lavender cloth trimmed in violet. White lace blouse. Huge 
bunch of violets at waist. Modish hat of lavender and violet. 
Lavender parasol. White poodle (artificial) trimmed with lavender 
ribbons. 



4 COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 

Major Hannibal Howler. Aged fifty-five. White wig, mut- 
ton-chop whiskers, eyebrows and drooping mustache. Face made 
up red. Wears spectacles. Neat summer business suit and 
Panama hat. Has leather dog-whip in pocket and revolver. To 
be played loud and commanding and much excited. 

Ambrosia McCarty. Aged twenty. Very cool and self-cen- 
tered and speaks very condescendingly. Huge arrangement of ar- 
tificial hair, puffs, etc. Chews gum constantly and reads paper- 
covered novel. In Acts I and II black dress, neat white lace 
apron. Much jewelry. Act III dress similar to Gladys but in 
contrasted color. Hat and parasol. 

Miss Araminta Sourdrops. Typical stage old maid. Cork- 
screw curls and black lace mitts. False front (to be torn off by 
Katrina). Old-fashioned dress and reticule. Numerous parcels 
including covered bird cage. Act III gaudy, elaborate summer 
walking dress, hat and parasol. This part is obviously a carica- 
ture and cannot be overplayed. In the original cast it was played 
by a sharp featured young man with great success. 

Hortensey Smatters. Trailing gown of white cheese-cloth 
with long flowing sleeves. Corsage and skirt elaborately trimmed 
with trailing green leaves and scarlet poinsettias. Large shoulder 
bow of red and green tulle with long streamers. Wreath of red 
and green. Hair hanging. Umbrella (not to be opened) covered 
with ruffles of red tulle and tied with green bow at handle. Hair 
hanging loosely. White slippers. 

Katrina Kraut. Blonde with rosy cheeks. Dark traveling 
dress rather short and ill-fitting. Carpet-bag and eccentric Dutch 
hat, may be tiny straw with one very high thin green feather in 
front. 



NOTES FOR STAGE MANAGER 

Plunk, Hortensey and Ambrosia play very slowly and deliberately 
in direct contrast to Major and Otto who work fast. The climaxes 
of Acts I and II must be played with accelerated velocity until the 
curtain drops on a kaleidoscopic picture of rapid motion accom- 
panied by rapid speech and loud quick orchestra music. These 
climaxes must be thoroughly rehearsed with pianist. The actors 
must be ready to take up their cues without a second's pause. 

This play has been successfully produced on a very small 
platform without painted scenery by the use of side curtains and 
screens. If scenery is available use a plain room with center-door 
entrance converted into a window (using a piece of scenery across 
bottom). The card players in Act II are seated behind this win- 
dow and are hid from ladies until Ambrosia raises the window 
shade or draws the curtains. 



PROPERTIES 



Lunch-counter with covered dishes, carving knife, coffee urn, 
fruit, etc. Small table. Two benches. Maps and railroad 
folders on walls. Also signs "No Smoking," "Waiting Room," 
etc. Paper novel and gum for Ambrosia. Two printed bills for 
Jabo with stickers for attaching them to wall. Cow bell, engine 
bell and dinner gong off stage. Badge for Jabo. Bundles and 
covered birdcage for Araminta. Paper book for Otto. (May be 
copy of play with covers torn off.) Two new suit-cases for Au- 
gustus. Property poodle for Gladys. Mustache and felt hat for 
Otto's disguise. Carpet-bag for Katrina. Dog whip and revolver 
for Major. Rifle for Otto and revolver for Plunk. Glass of water 
for Araminta. Wheelbarrow with ropes on it for Otto. Cup and 
saucer (to be broken) for Ambrosia. Cup of coffee with saucer 
for Ambrosia. Coins for Major and Otto. Piece of cheese and 
string of wienerwursts (frankfurters) for Katrina. Small medicine 
bottle (knock-out drops) for Otto. Blanket and Indian feather 
head-dress for Plunk. Old-fashioned grip for Jabo on last entrance. 



The Dutch Detective 



ACT I 

SCENE. — Simple interior set depicting country railroad office. 
Entrances R. and L. Windoiv up c. {This may be omitted 
and screen used for poker scene in Act II) Lunch-counter 
up r. with chair back of it for Ambrosia McCarty. Small 
table at r. between counter and bench. Bench down R. and 
bench down l. Signs and railroad folders on wall. 

(Amb. discovered back of the counter reading a paper- covered 
novel and chewing gum vigorously.) 

Enter Jabo Gr abb from l. with two printed bills. 

Jabo {coming to a). Mornin', Miss McCarty. 
Amb. {glancing up). Good-morning. 
Jabo. Train in yet ? 

Amb. It'll be here in about three minutes. It's only seven 
hours late now. 

{Slight pause. He looks at her admiringly and smiles. 
She smiles and then twists shoulders and glances modestly 
down.) 

Jabo. You're lookin' mighty peert this mornin', Miss 
McCarty. 

Amb. {flirting hair back, a characteristic gesture). Think 
so? 

Jabo. You bet I do. {Arranges his tie, pulls coat tight 
showing figure, then takes funny pose.) I'm kinder dressed 
up a little myself. 

Amb. Yes, I see you are. 

Jabo {leaning over counter). Friend of mine comin' in on 
this train. 

Amb. You don't say ! 

Jabo. Yep. A lady friend. A regular lalla-paloosa. 

7 



8 THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 

Amb. Of all things ! Is she going to stop here at Splinter- 
ville ? 

Jabo. You bet she is. Goin' to stop fer life. {Takes c.) 
Fact is, Miss McCarty, I'm a-goin' to git married. Now what 
do you think of that ? 

Amb. I should worry. {Resumes her reading.) 

Jabo {puzzled). You should worry ? What fer? 

Amb. Oh, because. 

Jabo {unfolding bill). Say, kin I tack this up in here? 

Amb. Go as far as you like. What is it? A show troupe? 

Jabo. Not much. That's a official no-tice. {Pronounce 
with long sound of L) I printed it myself. Part of my work 
as town constable to git out these no-tices. Couple of them 
lunatics escaped from the 'sylum agin. 

Amb. {interested). You don't tell me ! 

Jabo. Yep, a man and a woman. They was headed toward 
Splinterville. 

Amb. Headed toward here ? They must be crazy. 

Jabo. I got a telegram to ketch 'em and take 'em back to 
the 'sylum. And right on my weddin' day, too. I dunno 
what Araminty'll think. 

Amb. Araminty ? 

Jabo. Yep. She's the gal I'm goin' to marry. I ain't 
seen her in eighteen years, but she's a lalla-paloosa all the 
same. 

Amb. Eighteen years can cause a great change, even in a 
lalla-paloosa. 

Jabo. Not in her. She's .all my fancy painted her, she's 
lovely, she's divine. And we're goin 3 to be married this 
afternoon. Jest as soon as I ketch them two lunatics and take 
'em back to the 'sylum. {Tacks up sign at R. reading, " Es- 
caped from the Asylum, Man and Woman, etc.") Fifty dol- 
lars reward is what's oifered. That'll jest about set me up in 
housekeeping. 

Amb. Are they dangerous ? 

Jabo. I reckon they are. Telegram says the man thinks 
he s an Indian chief. Goes around and scalps everybody he 
can git his hands on. 

Amb. {alarmed). My goodness, I hope they don't come 
here. J 

Jabo {throwing shoulders back and strutting). Now don't 
you go to gittin' skeered, Miss McCarty. I guess the police 
force of Splinterville can take keer of ye. 



THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 9 

Amb. The police force of Splinterville ! Humph ! (Sneers.') 
How many men is on the police force of Splinterville, Jabo 
Grabb? 

Jabo. One. Me. I'll pertect ye if any of them lunatics 
come around here. Ain't no need o' bein' skeered; all y' got 
to do is to call on Jabo Grabb, T. C. 

Amb. T. C. ? What's that for ? 

Jabo. Thief catcher. That's the way I allers sign my 
name now ; Jabo Grabb, T. C. Kinder cute, ain't it ? 

Amb. (sarcastically). Oh, it's cute all right, all right. 

(Train whistle heard in the distance.) 

Jabo. There comes the train now. And that there train is 
a-bringin' to Splinterville the future Mrs. Jabo Grabb, T. C. 

Amb. What's her name? 

Jabo. Sourdrops. Funny name, ain't? Araminty Sour- 
drops. But, say, she's a lalla-paloosa, a reg'lar lalla-paloosa. 

Amb. She must be with a name like Araminty Sourdrops. 

Jabo. I'll meet her and take her over to the hotel, and 
then I guess I'll jest about have time to ketch them two 
lunatics before I git married. 

Amb. Did you see that man over at the livery stable this 
morning? A stranger. He looked real suspicious. Maybe 
he's one of the lunatics. He had on a golf cap, and that's 
enough to make any one look suspicious. 

Jabo. And was there a female lady with him ? 

Amb. I didn't see none. Maybe she was inside. 

Jabo. How long ago did you see him ? 

Amb. 'Bout half an hour. 

Jabo. I'll go right over there. Maybe I kin ketch 'em 
now. Fifty dollars reward, y' know. (Goes to door at l.) 

Amb. But what'll your lady friend do ? 

Jabo. You keep her here till I git back. Jest tell her to 
wait. I'd like to meet her, honest I would, but jest think of 
that fifty dollars. I'll git 'em. These here lunatics might be 
pretty slick, but they can't git ahead of the police force of 
Splinterville, Jabo Grabb, T. C. (Struts out l.) 

Amb. (going back of the counter). T. C. S. I. would be 
more appropriate. S. I. means Solid Ivory, and that's him all 
over. 

(Resumes reading. After slight pause the noise of an angry 



10 THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 

cow is heard off l., then cow-bell and several yells of 
fright from Otto Schmultz. Cow-bells, yells from 
Otto and laughter and applause from crowd.) 

Enter Otto, running from L. He slams door and runs down 
C, breathing hard as if much exhausted. 

Otto. By chiminy, dot vos der maddest gentleman cow vot 
I ever saw in all my life. Und he didn't like me a leedle bit 
As soon as he saw my red vest he made a running Und I 
made a running too. By chiminy, dot cow got me so oxcited ! 
Lady cows is all right, but man cows is got awful tempers. 
{Breathes hard.) I run so fast dot I lost all my breeze. 
{Crosses to counter.) Oxcuse me, Miss Lady, but vot time 
does der ten-ten train get in already ? 

Amb. (glancing up). The ten-ten train ? 

Otto. Chess ma'am, der ten-ten train. I'm so oxcited. 
Vot time, please? 

Amb. {yawning). Oh, usually about twelve- thirty. 

{Noise of train coming in and stopping. Engine bell, etc. 
Dinner gong sounded. Don't prolong this noise.) 

Otto {as the noise quickly subsides). Is dot der train com- 
ing in ? 

Amb. {wearily). The train? Oh, no. I think it's an 
auctioneer trying to sell a sorrel horse at a county fair. 
m Otto {puzzled). Oxcuse me, Miss Lady. But somedings 
is der matter mit you, no? Yes? Dot don't sound like no 
auctioneer. 

Amb. Say, you, make a noise like a withered rose and fade 
away. 

Otto (more puzzled). A withered rose? Fade away? 
By chiminy, she's foolisher nor vot I am. If der summer time 
affects her like dot, vot must she be in der vinter ? 

{Crosses and reads sign at R.) 

Amb. (staring at him a moment, pausing, then). I should 
worry. {Resumes reading.) 

Enter Miss Araminta Sourdrops from l., her arms full of 
bundles, bird cage, carpet-bag, etc. She drops bundle at 
C, and in stooping to pick it up, drops another, working 
this business three times rapidly. Finally sinks in seat 



THE DUTCH DETECTIVE II 

down L. exhausted. She rests a moment and then busies 
herself arranging bundles. Augustus Coo enters from 
L., carrying tiuo suit-cases > Gladys Howler-Coo on his 
arm. She carries a white poodle i?i her arms. Aug. 
crosses to lunch counter, Glad, behind him playing with 
poodle. Any extra people in company may be utilized in 
this scene as Dude, Old Man Grouch, Woman with 
Baby and Children, etc. They dress stage in rear. 

Aug. {to Amb.). Young lady, is this Splinterville ? 

Amb. {wearily). It used to be. Maybe they've changed 
its name this morning. 

Gladys {nervously). Oh, Augustus, do ask her if she has 
seen papa. (Acce?it on last syllable. ) I'm so afraid he's after 
us. (To dog.) Oh, precious Snookums, do keep still and 
don't bozzer muzzer. 

Aug. I beg your pardon, but have you seen an excited 
elderly gentleman in a Panama hat and a bad temper looking 
for us ? 

Amb. {loftily). This is a lunch-counter, not a bureau of 
information. 

Aug. (indignantly). Well ! 

(Converses in pantomime with Glad, at c.) 

Otto (at r. readi?ig Jabo's notice). By chiminy, two 
lunatics have escaped. Und a revard offered. Vot a chance 
for a real live detective like me. Let me see; vere is my 
book? (Takes paper book from pocket.) Vot does my corre- 
spondence school say about escaped lunatics ? 

(Turns pages rapidly ', holds book upside down, business 
ad. lib.) 

Ara. I'm so nervous that I jest can't set still another min- 
ute. I don't see why on earth my Jabo ain't here to meet me. 
(Crosses to lunch-counter.) Young woman, has there been 
anybody here looking for me ? 

Amb. (wearily). Not since 1892. 

Ara. You see I've lost my Jabo. 

Amb. Jabos are way out of style anyhow. Why don't you 
get a fur collar ? 

Ara. You don't understand. Jabo ain't a collar, Jabo's a 
man. 



12 THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 

Amb. Oh, you must be the lalla-paloosa. {Laughs.) 
What a joke on Grabb. 

Ara. Grabb? That's him ! Where is he? where is he? 

Amb. He said fer you to wait here till he got back. 

Ara. Oh, very well. You know I ain't seen him for years 
and years and years. 

Amb. He looks worse' n ever. 

Ara. The idea ! We're going to be married to-day. 

Amb. I should worry. (Resumes reading.') 

Ara. Humph, jealous little thing ! {Resumes her seat.) 
I'll wait fer him and when he comes my little heart will begin 
to throb as soon as it sets eyes on him. And this afternoon I'll 
be a bonny, bonny, little bride. 

Aug. Gladys, ownest own, we can't stay here. 

Glad. No, papa is liable to come any minute. And we 
mustn't meet papa. Why, he'd shoot you on sight. Papa is 
so impulsive. 

Aug. We must hire a rig and drive over to the Junction. 
Then we can catch the train. 

Glad, (coming to Ara.). You haven't seen an elderly gen- 
tleman looking for us, have you ? 

Ara. No, I'm looking fer one myself. 

Glad. You see papa is after us. We've been married just 
two hours and twenty minutes and papa is determined that he 
will separate us. Oh, I'm so worried. 

Ara. It's jest like a novel book. Eloping lovers. Well, I 
never ! 

Glad. Papa is so impulsive. Why, he might shoot Augustus 
on the spot ! 

Ara. On which spot? (Looks at Aug. curiously.) 

Glad. Oh, on any spot. He's never seen Gussie and he 
says he never wants to. And I'm tired and hungry. And my 
little dog Snookums is cross, and papa is after us. (Cries.) 
Oh, I wish I had never got married at all. 

Aug. There, there, my ownest, don't say that. In spite of 
all you still have me. 

Glad. But papa will take me away from you. 

Aug. I'd like to see him try it. (Dramatically.) We're 
married now and not all the world can take you from me. 

Glad. Papa always carries a gun when he's angry — and I 
just know that he's furious by this time. And if he catches us 
he'll shoot you full of h-h-holes ! And I'll be a b-br-bride 
without a husband. (Cries.) 



THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 1 3 

Aug. We must get away from here at once. {Crosses to 
Otto who is reading his book and comparing it with the notice 
on the wall at r.) You haven't seen an elderly gentleman 
with a gun and a temper looking for us, have you ? 

Otto. Vot kind of a gun ? 

Aug. I don't know, but he's an old and very furious gen- 
tleman. 

Otto. Oh, his name is Gunn ? 

Aug. No, he's my father-in-law. 

Otto. Are you a son of a gun ? 

Aug. His name is Howler. Major Hannibal Howler. 

Otto. Und has he got viskers ? 

Aug. I'm not sure. Gladys, has your papa got whiskers ? 

Glad. Oh, yes — just like this. 

{Gesture imitating " muttofi-chop " whiskers.} 

Aug. Yes, sir. She says he's got whiskers just like this 

{Gestures.) 
Otto. Oh, if he's got viskers (Pause?) 

Otto. Veil, den I ain't seen him. 

Aug. You look like a kind man. Maybe you could help 
us in our predicament. 

Otto. Vot is it ? Your picklement ? 
Glad. You see papa is after us. We must get away. 
Aug. Yes, we want a conveyance — a vehicle. 
Otto. Maybe dey've got it at der lunch- counter. 

Glad. No, stupid, a buggy 

Aug. A buggy 

Aug?" } Buggy ' buggy ' buggy ! 

Otto {speaking to audience). By chiminy, I bet me a pig's- 
knuckle sandwich {pronounce the initial " k" in knuckle) dot 
dese are der two lunatics vot's escaped from der asylum al- 
ready. Both of dem say dey're buggy. 

Aug. Come, most precious, we'll find a buggy ourselves. 
Such stupidity ! 

Glad, {to dog). Yes., 'ittle Snookums, we'll find old buggy 
ourselves. Come right along wiz muzzer. 

Otto. By chiminy, now I know it is der two lunatics. Say, 
mister, are you a lunatic ? 



14 THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 

Aug. {angrily). How dare you ! I've a good mind to 

{Changes voice.) No, I won't either ! I haven't time. {Crosses 
to L.) Come, birdie. 

Glad, (at a). You are a big, old, Dutch stupid, and I wish 
Snookums would bite your mean old head off. Bah ! 
(Crosses to door at l., turns and makes a i( face " at Otto.) 
Bah! 

(Stamps foot and exits L., followed by Aug.) 

Otto (looking after her a moment and then rapidly turning 
pages of his book). I can't find a thing about how to capture 
an escaped lunatic. Seven lessons have I had in der Corre- 
spondence School on How to be a Detective, und not von vord 
about a lunatic already. (To Ara.) Miss Lady, do you see 
that notice ? Two lunatics have from der asylum escaped in 
der daytime. Ah, ha ! Und vot does it prove ? It is a man 
und a vomans vot escaped. Und such a suspiciousness as I 
have got over them two vot yoost vent out of here. 

Ara. (who has risen excitedly). Oh, sir, do you think that 
they were escaped lunatics ? 

Otto. Der man said himself dot he vos buggy, und if dot 
ain't lunatics, vot is it? 

Ara. Oh, suppose they should kidnap me ? Right on my 
wedding day, too. I'm so frightened. 

Otto. Frightened? Say, maybe you don't know who I 
am. Is it ? I'm a detective und I granulated from a corre- 
spondence school mit high dishonor. Lunatics, pouf ! (Snaps 
fingers.) Lunatics is easy. To catch von or two, vy, I do it 
every morning before breakfast. 

Ara. But they might be dangerous. Oh, if anything 
would happen to me, what would Jabo say ? 

Otto. You don't have to vorry. Your innocent face vill 
alvays protect you. Und den I am here ! First I alvays 
make myself a disguise. (Puts on large red mustache, turns 
hat around and poses like Napoleon.) Ah, ha! Whoever 
vould recognize me now ? Now all vot I must do is to follow 
der instructions in my book, catch der two lunatics und carry 
'em back to der asylum. Den I got me fifty dollars revard. 
Now Mr. Lunatic und Mrs. Lunatic bevare, I am on der trail, 
I am on der trail. 

( Takes long strides and exits at l. If extra people are 
used they exeunt here following Otto out.) 



THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 15 

Ara. (crossing to lunch-counter). How long do you think 
I'll have to wait ? 

Amb. (glancing up). Far be it from me for makin' any per- 
sonal or unladylike remarks, but some people seem to think that 
I'm the train-caller and the bureau of information rolled into 
one. 

Ara. I jest wanted to know. Nice day, am t it? 

Amb. I ain't no weather bureau, neither. I'm here to sell 
meals, both table de hotty and a la carty, not to answer conun- 
drums. 

Ara. The very idea ! You kin at least be polite. 

Amb. (grandly). If you desire any detailed information con- 
cerning the trains, you'll find the ticket-agent and the baggage- 
man out in the freight room playin' pinochle fer Lincoln pen- 
nies. And as fer them last few remarks— well, I should worry. 

(Resumes reading.) 

Ara. (coming down r. ). Humph, I know she's jest jealous of 
me and Jabo. Hired help are so supersaturated nowadays ! I 
wonder what on earth kin be keeping Jabo. I should think 
he'd fly to me on the wings of a dove, as it were, seein' as how 
he ain't seen me fer eighteen years and we're to be married this 
afternoon. I think I'll go into the dining-room and git a bite 
to eat. (Gathers up bundles.) Ah, me, silly little Araminta, 
have patience, little heart, have patience. (To Amb.)' Is that 
the way to the dining-room ? (Points r.) 

Amb. It used to be. 

Ara. Kin I git something to eat in there ? 

Amb. I think so. They don't shoe horses or sell muslin 
any more. 

Ara. Humph ! 

(Flounces out r., followed by Amb. Slight pause. Mys- 
terious pizzicato music. Green spot-light thrown on win- 
dow. The pale face of Plunk Jarleck appears in the 
window. He slowly climbs through the window and 
comes down the stage to C, staring directly at the audience 
in a gloomy manner.) 
Plunk (speaking sadly, softly, and very much in earnest). 
How bitterly the sun is shining this morning. (Plaintive 
music.) Nineteen Maltese kittens have been following me all 
the way from the fire-engine house. That accounts for it. 
Strange that I didn't realize it before. And now I'm sure of it. 



16 THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 



{Slowly looks around, smiles pensively ^ The nlH a \ j 
cabin at midnight—and alone plilf ; ,, 0ld desert ed 

(cw, **/ S; J R V Ah' bI r"ht c f es a11 gone to the fire - 

are a couple of old hens ton Pa 'h ? ' ChU L k ' And there 
moon-the round I full moor r , I . U ° W ' methink s, I see the 
only a bald-headed ^WS^^W,, N °' ft ' s 
ha ha, mad ! Time aloL wftfteft ^ ' " mad ' 
maiden, are there any more at home like yo^' *" "*> W 

(M :/t.r S "- H ° RTENSEY Sma ™ *** <*/™» *W 

BigChie K fr/nt;o-be^ h ne bgWhlteSqUaW - ^ G °^ 
OSfc wte to him and kneels R. c, «/ &>/«,.) 
Hort. Save me, save me. I am being pursued. 

aftf™? ^ Wdl ' J Wi " SaVe y° u - (***•) Who is 
Hort. (rising and taking q.\ Don't von «^;> tu .i_ 

"pt^K? and the :r and th - • S •) y 

nor s^sr ftjft'Kr' on H e ? w 

said to the little mv L «i f ^ he red one ' He J ust 

meal-she's nutty 6 " y ' UtS eat her ' she'd make a fine 

Pi-Unk. And that purple spotted one, what did he say ? 

(■Points.) 

mySr ^Vcolnef ^KSS* £ t* »*' " 
mze me, don't you, in spiti of my* gd^S But ' 0U reco «" 



THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 17 

Plunk (a little more animated}. Bah, I'm off to the war 
again, Heliotrope ! And if me pursuers ask for me, tell them 
that I'll fight it out on these lines if it takes all summer. 

Hort. Oh, I am very weary. But tell me, why did you 
not keep your appointment and meet me to-morrow night at the 
Bartholdi Statue? 

Plunk. The Bartholdi Statue ? 

Hort. Yes ; for then we would be at Liberty forever. 

Plunk. Honest, you get crazier every minute. Where are 
we now ? 

Hort. Don't you know? Why, we are strolling under the 
trees in . {Name local park or near-by town.) 

Plunk. But we must escape. Big Chief must escape. Let 
us dance a war-dance. Come, dance ! You ! 

Hort. I will not. I am faint and weary. (Gives him a 
heavy blow on the back.) I am faint and weary. 

Plunk (doubling up with pain). Yes, I feel how faint you 
are. 

Hort. (listening). Hush, shush, dinna ye hear the noise ? 
Some one approaches. (Goes up stage.) 

Plunk (tensely). Big Injun Chief will never go back alive. 

Enter Otto from l. 

Otto. Dey give me der slips. I'll send me a telegram 
already to dot correspondence schools und ask dem how to catch 
a couple of lunatics. (Fans himself .) Und I run, by chiminy, 
how I run. I'm so oxcited ! 

Plunk (at r. c). Say, stranger, can you give me a match ? 

Otto (at a). I ain't got some now, but ven I get none I'll 
give you any. 

Plunk (seriously and calmly). In the meantime we will let 
it burn. Father always told me that I'd burn up that car, and 
now I've done it. Doesn't the smoke choke you ? And see 
the reindeers ! (Earnestly.) Now, do you suppose that they 
set it on fire on purpose ? 

Hort. (coming down l. c, raising right hand \ and majes- 
tically saluting Otto). Hail, stranger, hail. 

Otto. Chess, ma'am — ve need some rain also. 

Hort. (calmly surveying him from head to foot). Are you 
a man ? 

Otto. No, ma'am, I'm a policeman. 

Plunk. A policeman ? 



1 8 THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 

Otto. Veil, I expect to be a policeman. At presently am 
I a detective. 

Plunk. Ah, ha ! 

Hort. Ah, ha ! 

Otto. Ah, ha ! 

Plunk. And would you like to make five hundred dollars ? 

Otto. As sure as never vas. 

Plunk. I have just put out the fire and will share the in- 
surance with you. 

Hort. I also will employ you. I need a good, first-class 
chauffeur for my new milk wagon. 

Otto. Much obliged. (To Plunk.) Say, meester, I'm a 
awful good detective. Yoost now am I searching for a couple 
of lunatics. You two ain't some lunatics, are you? 

Plunk. Lunatics ? Ah, ha ! absurd. 

Hort. Perfectly ridiculous. Why, I'm the daughter of 
Alice in Wonderland. 

Plunk. And I, I am the patent fire-extinguisher. You see 
you pull the nozzle here (pulling his nose), push in this plug 
(pulling ear), and there you have it. It never fails. 

Otto. Oh, is dot who you are? Oxcuse me for thinking 
you vos der lunatics. You see every one is looking for them 
to get the fifty dollars. 

Plunk. 1 see. Now I want you to impersonate a friend of 
mine named Plunk Jarleck. All you'll have to do is to stay 
right here, and whenever any one asks you what your name is, 
simply say it's Plunk Jarleck. Then I'll let you set fire to the 
old wood-shed. 

Otto. Yoost stay here und say my name is vot you said, 
und I get five hundred dollars? 

Plunk. Precisely; you'll get it when I return. Just say 
you are Plunk Jarleck, and the reward is yours. 

Otto. Oh, this is a skinch, a regular skinch. 

Hort. In the meantime you must assist me. Every cow in 
the dairy needs new shoes. You must begin work by midnight. 

Plunk. Don't pay any attention to her. She fell under the 
wheels of the fire engine, and has been scalped twice by the 
Pi-Ute Indians. 

Hort. I don't care. (Sings.) " You made me love you, 
and I didn't want to do it, I didn't want to do it." 

Plunk. Now, remember, if any one tells you that they are 
looking for Plunk Jarleck, the human fire engine, all you have 
to do is to say that you are he, 



THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 19 

Otto. Und den I get der five hundred ? 

Plunk. Yes, you'll get it. And when you get it 

(Pause.} Well, then, you've got it. (Crosses to door r.) 
Only you mustn't tell father. Come, Hortensey, we must 
away. 

Hort. I won't go. I want to pick some of these purple 
pansies before I leave the garden. 

Plunk. Hortensey Smatters, white squaw, away ! 

(Dramatic exit at r.) 

Hort. (crossing to r., turning a?id speaking to Otto). 
You'll take good care of the lawn while I'm away, won't you? 
And if it rains be sure and bring in the grass. And don't for- 
get to water the condensed milkweeds. And when the roses 
bloom by the old well I shall return. Until then I beg to re- 
main, very respectfully yours, Miss Hortensey Smatters, Esquire. 
Adieu, dear heart, adieu, adieu, adieu. 

(Dramatic exit at r.) 

Otto (waving hand}. Over der river, Hortensey. By 
chiminy, all this business is getting me so oxcited. But at last 
I've got a job already. Und now I can get married mit leedle 

Katrina und start a regular detective office in . (Name 

local town.) They've been needing a live detective there for 
some time. Dot's an easy job vot he give me. All I got to do 

is to say my name is (Pause.) Vot did he say I got to 

say my name vos? By chiminy, I forgot who my name is. 
(Opens book.) I vonder if it tells in my detective book vot 
my name is. (Reads book, turns pages, etc.) 

Enter Ara. from r., without bundles. 

Ara. (coming r. a). I wonder why on earth Jabo don't 
come. Here I've been waiting nearly an hour. I've a good 

notion to take all my things and go right back home to . 

(Name near-by town.) But if I did I'm afraid that it would 
break Jabo's heart. (Sees Otto.) Why, what a handsome 
young man. 

Otto (looking around). Vere is he? 

Ara. (giggling. ) Oh, I was referring to you. 

Otto. To me ? By chiminy, she is making a flirtation mit 
me. 



20 THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 

Ara. I wonder if it's possible that this can be Jabo? Can 
it be, little heart, can it be ? 

Otto. For vy is she looking at me like dot ? 

Ara. Good-morning, kind sir. 

Otto {edging away). Chess, ma'am, it is so. 

Ara. A-hem. Are you looking for any one ? 

Otto. Dot sound suspicious. I vonder vot der book says 
I must do. 

Ara. You're not Mr. Grabb, are you ? Mr. Jabo Grabb ? 

Otto. Grabb, Grabb ? Is dot who he told me I vos ? 
Chess, ma'am, I am Mr. Grabb. 

Ara. {advancing). At last, at last. Don't you know me? 
I'm Aram in ta. 

Otto. By chimin y, I'm getting so oxcited. 

Ara. I'm your little Araminta. 

Otto. I didn't know I had a little Araminta. 

Ara. How I have waited for this meeting. (Pause. She 
glances at him bashfully.) Well, why don't you do some- 
thing ? 

Otto. Vot must I do? (Aside.) I vonder vot it says in 
der book. 

Ara. Bashful boy ! We're all alone. 

Otto. It ain't my fault. 

Ara. Haven't you been longing for this meeting for months 
and months and months? 

Otto. If I have, I don't remember it. 

Ara. When are we going to be married? 

Otto. Who ? 

Ara. Why, you and me. 

Otto. Veil, not light avay. 

Ara. Why not? I'm all ready, Jabo. 

Otto (aside). Jabo ! Vot is she calling me? 

Ara. (giggling). Don't I come up to your expectations? 

Otto. Oh, chess, ma'am, you're vay ahead of 'em. 

Ara. I thought that maybe you was going to steal a kiss. 
You men are such awful, awful creatures. 

Otto. No, ma'am, I vasn't going to steal nothing. But, 
say, ain't you making a mistake? I ain't der feller you said I 
vos. 

Ara. You're not ? Aren't you Jabo ? 

Otto. No, ma'am, he is my broder. 

Ara. I don't believe it. My little heart recognized you 
right away. 



THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 21 

Otto. No, ma'am, honest I ain't him. It's mine broder. 

Ara. Are you sure? 

Otto. Chess, ma'am, as sure as never was. He told me to 
tell you dot he would meet you here this afternoon already. 

Ara. Are you sure that he's your brother? 

Otto. Chess, ma'am. On my father's side. 

Ara. And do you think he will come ? 

Otto (slowly). Chess — und no. All depending on vether 
he does or not. 

Ara. I won't wait for him. The idea! Why couldn't you 
take his place ? 

Otto. Take his place? (Aside.) By chiminy, she vants 
to kidnap me. 

Ara. (grasping his arm). You wouldn't break my trusting 
little heart, would you ? 

Otto. I vonder vot it says in der book. 

Ara. (taking both his hands'). I'll never leave you. 

Otto (trying to get away). Chess, ma'am, but vot vould 
mine Katrina say ? 

Ara. What do you care ? (Puts her two arms around 
his neck, much to his discomfort.) You're mine, all mine. 

Otto. I'm getting so oxcited. 

Enter Katrina Kraut from l., with carpet-bag ; she walks in 
slowly with Dutch swaying gait. Sees Otto, stops, 
drops bag, rushes down, pulls Ara. away from him, 
throwing her to r. Stands facing her with fists revolving 
like windmills. 

Kat. Come on, und fight me like a lady. Come on. Vot 
is der meaning of all dis foolishness ? Vot are you doing mit 
mine leedle Otto ? 

Ara. Your leedle Otto ! That's my Jabo's brother. He 
said so himself. His name is Grabb. 

Kat. (turning to Otto). Otto Schmultz, vos you or vos 
you not an old flirting Lumbago ? Speak to me und say 
somedings. Is it to dis vomans or is it to me vot you are en- 
gaged to get married already in der vinter time ? 

Otto. It is to you. I don't know who dis old vomans is. 
She gets me so oxcited. 

Ara. (screaming). Old woman ! Old! I'll sue you for a 
breach of promise, that's what I'll do. You and your brother, 
too. 



22 THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 

Otto. Der two of us ? Dot would make a pair of 
breaches. 

Ara. I'll see a lawyer. I'll teach you a lesson. You 
deceitful Dutch Grabb ! 

Kat. Otto, have you been making foolishness by yourself? 
(Turns to her.') Miss Lady, he iss not a grabb — honest he 
ain't. He iss a Schmultz. Und what iss of more importance 
yet already, he is my Schmultz. Ain't it so, Otto? 

Otto. As sure as alvays. 

Ara. Then why was he trying to flirt with me ? 

Otto. It ain't so. 

Ara. Why, he even tried to kiss me. It was all I could do 
to prevent him. 

Kat. Otto, did you did it ? 

Otto. I didn't did it. Vy, she's older als my grandmother. 
I vouldn't make a flirting mit my own grandmother, vould I? 

Ara. (screami fig). Your grandmother ! Let me at him, let 
me at him ! I'll scratch your eyes out. You little Dutch 
wienerwurst. 

Kat. (jumping around at c, making her fists go round). 
Hold on, don't do it; don't do it. 

Ara. (starting for Otto). I'll show him. 

(She crosses Kat., who comes up behind her and grasps her 
around waist and draws her away. Ara. breaks loose 
and struggles with Kat.) 

Otto (at l.). Help, help, police ! By chiminy, I'm getting 
so oxcited. 

Ara. (screaming). Police, police, police ! 

Enter Jabo from l., running. He comes c. and strikes 

dramatic pose. 

Jabo. Who called for the police ? 
Otto. Stop 'em, stop 'em ! 

(Ladies struggle at r. C, uttering characteristic exclama- 
tions during the fight. Finally Kat. grabs Ara.'s hair 
and pulls off front piece.) 

Kat. Ah, ha, look at der false hair she's got ! 
Ara. (screaming shrilly). My hair ! I'm ruined forever ! 
Jabo (trying to part them ; they both fight him). Don't do 
it. Don't do it. Help, help, help ! Police, police ! 



THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 23 

( They pommel him.) 
Otto. By chiminy, dey're killing der police force. 
{Drags Kat. l.) 

Jabo (dragging Ara. to r.). Keep cool ; I'll arrest the both 
of ye. 

Kat. She was making a flirting rait mine Otto. 

Ara. Arrest that Dutchman. He tried to kidnap me. 

Otto. It ain't true. Nefer in all my life did I did it. 

Ara. And that woman tried to murder me. 

Kat. Voman ! She called me a voman. Let me at her, 
let me at her. 

Otto (struggling to hold Kat. ). So much oxcitement. 

Jabo. Now you keep the peace er I'll arrest the hull caboodle 
of ye. I thought at first that ye was the two escaped lunatics 
I'm looking fer. 

Ara. She is. They both are. That's them. They're the 
lunatics. 

Kat. (struggling to get at her). Lunatics ! Let me at her. 
Let me at her. 

Otto. She is der lady lunatic herself. Arrest her und you 
get der fifty dollars. 

Jabo. I believe she is. (To Ara.) You got to come with 
me. You're arrested. 

Ara. Arrested? Me? What would Mr. Grabb say ! 

Jabo. Grabb ? Did you say Grabb ? 

Ara. That's what I said. He's the police constable of this 
town. You lay a hand on me and you'll have to answer to 
Jabo Grabb. 

Jabo. Say, who be ye, anyhow? You ain't Minty Sour- 
drops, be ye? 

Ara. Yes, I am. 

Jabo. Pretty little Minty Sourdrops? Honest, are you 
her? 

Ara. (sharply). I said I was, didn't I ? 

Jabo. Well, don't you know me? I'm Jabo. I'm Jabo 
Grabb. 

Ara. You ain't, neither. 

Jabo. I reckon I be. (Displays badge.) See that badge ? 
It says, Jabo Grabb, T. C. And that's me. 

Ara. What's the T. C. fer? 

Otto. Maybe it's thin codfish, No ? — Yes ? 



24 THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 

J abo. It's fer thief catcher. Jest let me get you and I'll 
show you thin codfish. 

Ara. Them's the two lunatics. Honest, Jabo. 
Kat. Run, Otto, run. 

(" Hurry " music till tag of act.) 

Otto. You bet my life. {Runs out l.) 
Ara. He's getting away. Git him, Jabo. 
Jabo {running after Otto). Come back here, come back 
here. You're arrested. 

(Jabo runs to l. Kat. grabs his two hands, spins him 
rapidly around and drops him c. Kat. runs out l. Jabo 
quickly rises and runs out L. with long strides. Ara. 
runs out L. with very short steps. All yell, " Stop him, 
stop him /") 

{The action at tag must resemble a farcical moving picture.) 

Enter Major Hannibal Howler from r. 

Maj. {coming down a). This must be the place. The 
railway station. {Raps with cane on floor?) Hello, hello, is 
anybody at home ? They must be here yet. They couldn't 
get away. I'll catch 'em yet, and when I lay hands on that 
young puppy I'll make him rue the day he ever ran away with 
the daughter of Major Hannibal Howler. (Maj. stands at c, 
a little up stage. Otto runs across stage from l. i e. to 
r. i e. and exits. Maj. looks after him in amazement. When 
Otto is well out, Jabo repeats the same business, yelling, 
"Come back, come back! You're arrested!" He exits. 
Kat. and Ara. repeat the same business.) Well, what in 
thunder has broken loose ? Is the whole town going insane? 

(Otto runs in from r. He crosses Maj., turns and grab- 
bing him from behind uses Maj. as a shield from Jabo, 
who enters and tries to get at Otto. Otto twirls Maj. 
around keeping away from Jabo. Finally Otto drops 
Maj. to floor at c. , jumps over footlights into audience 
and rushes up one aisle and disappears. Jabo trips over 
Maj., falls, rises, follows Otto into audience yelling all 
the while. Kat. enters, falls over Maj. who tries to rise 
each time, and pursues Jabo into audience. Maj. rises 
and staggers over to R. and sits wiping face with hand- 



THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 25 

kerchief. Ara. runs in, looks around, sees Maj., screams, 
staggers toward him and faints on top of him, Mean- 
while Otto, closely pursued by Jabo, runs down another 
aisle and gets back on stage. Jabo catches Otto at c, 
trips him, both fall. Kat. rushes to stage, catches hold 
0/"Jabo's coat-tails trying to pull him from Otto. Coat- 
tails tear and she falls to L. Otto and Jabo roll over 
and over fighting as) 



QUICK CURTAIN 



ACT II 

SCENE. — Same as Act I. Lights on full throughout the act. 
Bright music to take up the curtain. 

(Amb. discovered back of the lunch-counter. She is chewing 
gum and reading a paper-covered novel.') 

Amb. {reading i?i slow, singsong tone). " She gazed but a 
moment into the liquid depths of his amethyst eyes, gazed and 
was lost. For in that moment., supreme, inexpressible, she 
knew that David Cauliflower, the harvester of the Timberlost, 
was henceforth to be all in all to her. She heard his voice, 
sweet and silvern like a far-away tinkling bell at twilight, 
speak the dear accents of her name. At last the words came. 
'Reginald,' she murmured " 

{During the preceding speech Kat. enters, pauses a ?noment 
in amazement, then crosses to counter and listens to story.) 

Kat. {breaking in). Have you got any sauerkraut yet 
already ? Yes ? — No ? 

Amb. Great heavings, how you startled me ! 

( Waves hair back.) 

Kat. I dink I'll have a leedle somedings to eat. 

Amb. Sorry. Dining-room's closed. Only open at train 
time. Now, it's two p. m. 

Kat. I could eat out here ? Yes ? — No ? 

Amb. {grandly). Such a proceedings would be most 
highly shockingly improper. This here lunch-counter is fer 
men, and fer men only. 

Kat. Is my Otto here yet ? 

Amb. Your auto ? I didn't know you had an auto. 

Kat. You bet you. I got der cutest leedle Otto you ever 
saw. 

Amb. American ? 

Kat. No, Dutch. 

Amb. Runabout, roadster or touring ? 
26 



THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 2J 

Kat. Is it ? 

Amb. Don't you understand ? 

Kat. Oh, yes. Only I don't know vot you are talking 
about. 

Amb. Is your auto a runabout ? 

Kat. Oh, yes — sometimes. 

Amb. I'd like to have one myself, but they are always get- 
ting out of repairs. 

Kat. My Otto is alvays in good repairs. 

Amb. You're lucky. Most runabouts ain't. 

Kat. Oh, dot's Americans. Mine is Dutch. 

Amb. Oh, imported ? 

Kat. Yes, ma'am ; from Duesselsteucken, Yarmany. 

Amb. Two passengers ? 

Kat. Two vot? 

Amb. How many will your auto carry ? 

Kat. Only von. Me. 

Amb. How peculiar. It must be a two-cylinder affair. 

Kat. No, ma'am, it's a love affair. 

Amb. Self-cranker ? 

Kat. Say, he ain't a crank. Vot foolishness ! 

Amb. If I had the money I think I'd buy me one. 

Kat. I got mine for nothing. 

Amb. As a prize ? 

Kat. Maybe it vos. 

Amb. And do you ever have trouble with it ? Does your 
auto ever get stuck in the mud ? 

Kat. Stuck in der mud ? Of course he don't get stuck in 
der mud. Vot ambiguity ! 

Amb. I don't believe you know what you're talking about. 
What horse- power is your machine? 

Kat. My machine ? 

Amb. Of course — your automobile. 

Kat. Automobile? (Laughs hear tily.) I don't vos talking 
about any automobile. I vos talking about a Otto Schmultz. 

Amb. Oh, you said Otto. {Laughs.) I thought you said 
auto. You mean the Dutch detective? 

Kat. Sure, dot's him. Der feller vot got arresteted this 
morning und vos taken by der jail-house already. 

Amb. Oh, they found it was all a mistake and they let him 
go. He wasn't a lunatic at all. 

Kat. Dot's vot I all der time told them. But vere is he 
now? 



28 THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 

Amb. He was here a little while ago. Maybe Grabb's after 
him again. 

Kat. Grabb ? I'll bet a doughnut dot I'll grab Grabb if 
he don't leave mine leedle Otto alone. {Crosses to l. i e.) 

Enter Glad, hurriedly from l. She crosses to lunch-counter. 

Glad. Oh, tell me quick, have you seen him ? 

Amb. Seen him ? Whom ? 

Glad. Augustus. I've lost him — and we've only been 
married two hours and twenty minutes. And papa is after 
him. And I'm so afraid he'll shoot him. And he hasn't any 
money — and I'm so unhappy. {Cries.) 

Amb. Where did you lose your husband ? 

Glad. We were trying to get away from this town because 
papa is liable to catch up with us at any minute. We went to 
the livery stable to get a rig, and what do you think ? 

Amb. Heaven only knows. 

Glad. My Augustus found that he didn't have a cent of 
money. 

Kat. No money — und on your honeymoon ! Vot impro- 
priety ! 

Glad. You see, he left all his money in his other clothes. 
He went out to get some money and never came back — and I'm 
all alone. 

Amb. I'll bet you'll never lay eyes on him again. Deserted 
on her wedding morn. I'll bet he was a villain. 

Glad. How dare you call him a villain? He's the dearest, 
sweetest, little husband in all the world. And papa shall never 
take me from him. So there. 

Kat. But vere did he go yet already ? 

Glad. That's what I am trying to find out. {Crosses to 
r. c, and speaks to Kat.) You haven't seen him, have you? 

Kat. Not yet. I'm looking also for mine leedle Otto. 

Enter Ar a. from l. She crosses to lunch- counter. 

Ara. My Jabo, my Jabo ! Have you seen him ? We are 
to be married at two o'clock, and that's in ten minutes — and I 
can't find him anywhere. 

Amb. Don't tell it to me. I've got worries of my own. I 
might get wrinkles. 

Ara. {turning to Glad.). You haven't seen him, have 
you? 



THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 20, 

Glad, {crying softly). No. Have you seen anything of 
my Augustus? 

Kat. Und I vonder vere is mine leedle Otto. 

Glad. You see I've just been married two hours and twenty 
minutes, and my husband has disappeared. 

Ara. That's nothing. Mine has disappeared, and I ain't 
even been married yet. I've got the ring, and I've got the 
preacher, but where is Jabo ? Oh, I've a big notion to go right 
back home. 

Enter Hort. from l., dramatically. She crosses to counter, 
Ara. having moved to c. of stage. 

Hort. He has disappeared. 

Amb. Another one. Oh, these men, these men ! 

Hort. The sun has died out of the skies and all the little 
flowerets are dead. 'Cause why? 'Cause Plunk has deserted 
his faithful Hortensey Smatters. 

Ara. Ain't that pitiful? 

Glad. It's awful. I've lost my Augustus. 

Ara. And Jabo ! where, oh, where is my Jabo? 

Kat. Und leedle fat Otto ? 

Hort. And Plunk Jarleck? 

(Amb. back of counter, the other four ladies in a diagonal 
line down l.) 

Otto {back of screen with Aug., Plunk and Jabo playing 
poker). By chiminy, I got so oxcited. 
Jabo. I'll see your five and raise you ten. 
Ara. That voice ! 
Kat. Them words ! 
Plunk. It's by me. 
Aug. Go on and sweeten the kittie. 
Hort. It's Jarleck. 
Glad. And Augustus. 

(Amb. crosses to screen and throws it down, discovering the 
four men engaged in poker game.) 

Amb. Ladies, here's your men. {Tableau.) 
Kat. Oh, Otto, vy did you did it ? 

{Ladies hold hands up in horror.) 

Ara. I'm going home. I'll never marry a man that plays 
keerds. 



30 THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 

Glad. Oh, Augustus, you've broken my trusting little 
heart. 

Hort. Plunk Jarleck, knave, scoundrel, varlet ! The 
queen is very angry. 

Four Men {rising). But it was only a little social game. 

(Ara., Kat., Glad, and Hort. each take her partner by 
ear and lead him down stage, Ara. and Jabo down r. i e., 
Glad, and Aug. down r. c, Kat. and Otto down l. c, 
and Hort. and Plunk doiun l. i e.) 

Amb. (coming down C, near footlights'). Oh, don't let a 
little thing like that worry you. It will all come right when 
the moon shines. 

{Introduce popular song by Amb. , with the four couples doing 
steps and gestures in unison as a background. At end all 
dance off at r. and L. This specialty may be omitted at 
the discretion of the stage manager, the four ladies leading 
their men out by ears at different e?itra?ices and Amb. fol- 
lowing laughing at them.) 

Enter Maj. from l., in a towering rage. He comes down c. 

Mat. (looking around). Not here. But I'll catch them 
yet, and when I do I think I'll teach them a lesson they'll never 
forget. A suspicious looking couple were seen at the livery 
stable half an hour ago. It must have been Gladys. And the 
man didn't have any money. Tried to get a horse and rig on 
credit. That's a nice way to begin a married life. They are 
trying to get out of town, but I'll get them yet, I'll get them 
yet. Maybe they're over at the hotel. (Pulls out dog whip 
from pocket.) I'll go over and see. No man living can steal 
the only child of Major Hannibal Howler and live to tell the 
tale. (Starts to exit at r., and collides with Ara., who enters.) 
I beg your pardon, madam, but I'm in a hurry. I'm in a 
hurry. 

Ara. That voice ! Those eyes ! It is — I know it is ! 
(Pause.) Ain't it? 

Maj. (staring at her). I don't know what you are talking 
about. 

Ara. (dramatically). Hannibal, don't you know me? 

Maj. I certainly do not. What is this, a confidence game ? 

Ara. And he don't recognize me. After all these years. 
This is too much. 



THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 3 1 

Maj. I should say it was too much. You have the ad- 
vantage of me. 

Ara. (graspifig his ami). Hannibal Howler, you are Han- 
nibal Howler, aren't you ? 

Maj. That's what everybody tells me. 

Ara. I knew it. I knew it. And have you forgotten me ? 

Maj. I don't believe I ever remembered you. 

Ara. Oh, Hannibal, Hannibal, Hannibal ! 

Maj. I heard you the first time ! 

Ara. Why, I'm Minty. Don't you remember? Little 
Minty. 

Maj. I think you're a little batty. 

Ara. Oh, this is too much, too much. 

Maj. That's just what I think. But you must excuse me. 
I'm in a hurry. 

Ara. Stop. Don't you recollect the old happy bygone 
days when you and I were little boys and girls together ? 

Maj. Little girls together? You don't know what you are 
talking about. 

Ara. I'm Minty. Little Minty Sourdrops. 

Maj. (a light breaking upon him). Not pretty little Minty 
Sourdrops ? 

Ara. That's what you always used to call me. It was over 
thirty years ago when you and I were childhood sweethearts. 

Maj. Over thirty ? I should say it was. About fifty. 

Ara. I would have known you anywhere. 

Maj. {mollified). And so you are little Minty? (Shakes 
hands.) Pretty little Minty Sourdrops. My, but there's been 
an awful change. 

Ara. A change? Of course I'm not as young as I was 
then. 

Maj. Well, hardly. {Quickly.) But you're just as pretty. 
And to think of my meeting little Minty again. 

(Shakes hands warmly.) 

Ara. Oh, Hannibal, you're just the same as ever. 

Maj. (holding her hand). Remember the time I threw Sim 
Peters in the creek because he took you home from the spelling- 
match ? 

Ara. Yes, indeed. (Tries to release hand.) Ah, those 
were happy, happy days. 

Maj. (still holding her hand). Let me see ; you married 
Sim Peters, didn't you ? 



32 THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 

Ara. {trying to release hand, using her other hand ; he takes 
that, too). The idea ! I never married any one. You see, 
you went away (Pause ; she drops eyes bashfully.') 

Mat. And you never married? Honest, Minty, you're 
just as fine a looking woman as you were when you were the 
belle of the whole township. {Releases her hands.) 

Ara. But you are married, aren't you, Hannibal ? 

Maj. Married for over twenty years. 

Ara. (sighing). It hasn't changed you a bit. You're just 
the same merry-hearted lad you always were. 

Maj. Oh, yes, I'm mighty merry-hearted. 

Ara. And so bashful and reserved. 

Maj. Oh, I'm bashful all right. But what are you doing 
here in Splinterville, Minty ? Live here ? 

Ara. (confused). Oh, no. Not yet. You see I'm just 
here on a little visit. Is Mrs. Howler with you ? 

Maj. Mrs. Howler ? I hope not. 

Ara. Why, Hannibal ! 

Maj. You see Mrs. Howler has been among the departed 
for at least fifteen years. 

Ara. (brightening). Oh, you're a widower? 

Maj. Yes, a sad, old, lonesome widower. 

Ara. You haven't any — any — (pausing) encumberances, 
have you ? 

Maj. Well, I did have until this morning. 

Ara. Not dead ? 

Maj. No. Worse. Eloped. 

Ara. Oh, I'm so sorry. 

Maj. Yes, my only child was spirited away from me this 
morning. She eloped with a brainless numbskull named Coo. 
Coo ! I'll make him coo when I lay hands on him. 

Ara. Oh, you are pursuing them? 

Maj. You bet I am. I've tracked them this far and they've 
given me the slip. But they can't get away from Splinterville. 
I'm sure to find them and when I do 

(Gestures as if shooting.) 

Ara. Oh, Hannibal, you mustn't be rash. It must be the 
young couple I saw here at the station this morning. 

Maj. Did she have on a tan coat ? 

Ara. Yes. I didn't notice her very particularly but she 
had on 



THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 33 

{Gives a most elaborate description of Glad.'s dress , coat 
and hat.) 

Ma j. That's her. And he ? 

Ara. He wore a silk hat and a long black overcoat. 
And he carried a cane. Imagine a costume like that in 
Splinterville. 

Maj. The puppy. Oh, just wait till I lay hands on him, 
that's all. 

Ara. Surely you wouldn't harm him ? 

Maj. Harm him — harm him ! Wait, only wait ! 

Ara. But I'm sure he's a nice young man. And they're on 
their honeymoon. 

Maj. Ran away without even asking my consent. My only 
child. And I don't know where a thing in the house is kept. 
I couldn't find a collar button or a decent tie this morning. 
And the cook is sick. And I haven't had a bite to eat to-day. 
I'll teach him to steal my only child. Why, whatever will I do 
without her ? 

Ara. Why don't you get married again ? 

Maj. Married ? Jump out of the frying-pan into the fire ? 
Not me. 

Ara. And you're hungry. You poor dear. Suppose we 
go over to the hotel and have a nice little lunch together. 

Maj. Not until I've found that scoundrel. 

Ara. Why not put his case in the hands of an officer ? 

Maj. Where could I find an officer here ? 

Ara. There is a Dutch detective here. They say he is per- 
fectly wonderful. I'm going to the hotel. Can't you join me 
in a few minutes and we'll have a nice lunch and talk over old 
times. (Crosses to door.) And you don't look a day older. 
Au reservoir, until we meet again. [Exit, l. 

Maj. Now that's a fine woman. Some sense and just as 
clever as she is pretty. But I mustn't neglect my work. I'll 
find that young puppy if I have to search every house in 
Splinterville. A silk hat, a long black overcoat and a cane. 
Now he can't escape. (Crosses to l.) He can't escape. 

[Exit, l. 

Enter Glad, from l., in time to see Maj. leave. 

Glad. Good gracious, it's papa. He has followed us here. 
(Rushes to l.) Oh, Augustus, come here at once. Augustus ! 
Gussie ! 



34 THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 

Enter Aug. hurriedly from l. 

Aug. What is it, Gladys? What has happened? Are 
you ill ? 

Glad. He's here. I just saw him. He had murder in his 
eye. Oh, Augustus, I'll be a widow on my bridal day. Don't 
let him kill you. Don't let me be a widow. 

Aug. You'll never be a widow as long as I can help it. 

Glad. But we must leave at once. We must get away. 
Papa is a regular terror when he's aroused. 

Aug. We must hide. 

Glad. Hide ? Where can we hide in Splinterville ? 

Aug. Yes, but my dear, we haven't any money. 

Glad. We must get some. And if we can't, we must walk. 
Anything to get away. Oh, some one is coming. {Clings to 
him.) What shall we do ? 

Enter Amb. from r. She goes back of counter. 

Aug. What time does the next train leave ? 

Amb. It's an hour and twenty minutes late. 

Aug. Late ? Great Heavens, is it ever on time ? 

Amb. Sometimes it's twenty-four hours late and then it 
catches up with itself. 

Glad. But we must get away at once. 

Amb. Maybe you could hire a special. 

Aug. How much would it cost? 

Amb. About a hundred plunks. 

Aug. I have got nearly sixty cents. 

Amb. Sixty cents? Back to the clothes-line for yours. 
Sixty cents ? Why don't you sell that coat ? It makes you 
look like a millionaire. 

Glad. A good suggestion. That's just what you must do. 
Come, Augustus, we'll sell the coat. 

Aug. But, my dear, I need my coat. 

Glad. You won't need anything if papa catches us. 

Aug. Well {Hesitates.) 

Glad. Come right along. The idea of your leaving all 
your money at home. 

Aug. But, I say 

Glad. Don't delay. He may be back at any minute. 
And he'll shoot you on the spot. Come. 

{Hurries him out l.) 



THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 35 

Amb. Well, if that's a honeymoon, there's some blessing in 
being an unplucked lily on the stem of life. I wonder who's 
after 'em ? Maybe it's the lunatics. However, I should worry. 

{Chews gum and reads.") 

Enter J abo from l., cautiously. 

Jabo. She ain't here, is she ? 

Amb. Say, don't you think I ever want a minute to myself ? 
I certainly am getting sick of this job. Everybody wants to 
know something. 

Jabo. Oh, Miss McCarty, I'm in an awful fix. 

Amb. I never saw a single man who wasn't. Oh, Jabo, 
she's a lalla-paloosa, all right. (Laughs.) 

Jabo. Don't, Miss McCarty, don't. I'm a ruined man. 
I'm going to run away. And I thought she looked just the 
same as she did years ago. 

Amb. Serves you right for trying to get married by corre- 
spondence. There is plenty of perfect ladies right here at home 
much better looking than that old maid. 

Jabo. Don't I know it? Oh, Miss McCarty, why didn't I 
wait ? Do you think she'll sue me for a breach of promise if I 
refuse to marry her ? 

Amb. Yes, I do. Serve you right, too. 

Jabo. Now don't talk that way. I thought you was always 
a friend of mine, Miss McCarty. 

Amb. I ain't got any patience with a man who can't find a 
girl in his home town. Always looks suspicious to me when a 
man has to go outside to do his courting. 

Jabo. I was plumb foolish to do it. How would you like 
to go down to the drug-store and git an ice-cream sody ? 

Amb. Well, I don't think the place would run away. 
(Comes from behind counter.) What will you do if she sees 
you ? 

Jabo. Tell her right square out that I've changed my mind. 
I always did like the home girls best anyhow. 

Amb. You always did like the homely girls, I guess you 
mean. 

Jabo. Now, Ambrosia, I didn't mean that at all. 

(They stroll out L.) 
Enter Otto from r. 



36 THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 

Otto. Bychiminy, I've got a skinch, a regular skinch job. 
I vonder vere der feller is who's going to gife me der hundred 
und fifty dollars. Und also I vonder vot he told me my name 
vos. If I can't remember vot it vos, I'll bet me a pretzel dot 
I'll lose der money. 

Maj. {outside r.). Get out of my way. I'm in a hurry, do 
you hear, in a hurry. 

Otto. By chiminy, I'll bet it's der lunatic. Oh, vere can I 
hide, vere can I hide? {Gets down behind counter.) 

Enter Maj. flourishing revolver, 

Maj. Oh, so it's against the law to carry concealed weapons, 
is it? Well, I won't conceal 'em. I'll carry it in plain sight 
— and when I meet him — I'll shoot. (Otto's head comes 
slowly up.) I'll teach him to run off with my daughter. I'll 
shoot him just like that. {Flourishes revolver. Otto disap- 
pears.) I thought I heard a noise. It's a rat there at the 
counter. I'll shoot him. One, two, three 

Otto (rising). Vait a minute, don't do it, don't do it. If 
you do it, I'm a dead Dutchman. 

Maj. What are you doing there? 

Otto {coming down to Maj.). Me? I'm a detective. 
I've got to be every wheres. 

Maj. A detective? 

Otto. Chess, sir. Und I'm vorking on a chob. I get a 
hundred und fifty dollars. All I got to do is to stay here und 

to say my name is — und say my name is {Pause, then 

lightly.) Veil, all I got to do is to stay here und say vot it is. 

Maj. You haven't seen anything of an eloping couple, have 
you ? 

Otto. An eloping couple ? Vot is it, an eloping couple ? 
Some peoples ? 

Maj. Of course. And just wait till I catch him. I'll 

(Grabs Otto.) 

Otto. Don't do it, don't do it. Vait a minute. It ain't 
me. I ain't no couple. 

Maj. You seem strangely agitated. (An idea strikes him.) 
Ah, ha ! 

Otto (zvatching him nervously). Vot is this ah, ha? 

Maj. You were hiding from me back of that counter. 
{Slowly draws gun.) Who are you? Are you the man? 



THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 37 

Otto (trembling). No, sir, it ain't me. I didn't do it. 

Maj. Your name — what is your name ? 

Otto. By chimin y, I forgot vot he said it vos. 

Maj. He hesitates. Are you Coo ? 

Otto. Coo ? Maybe I am. 

Maj. (grabbing him by shoulders and forcing him to knees , 
puts pistol under his nose). Where is she ? What have you 
done with her ? Speak before I strangle the breath out of your 
cowardly body. My daughter ? Where is she? 

Otto. I ain't got her. Honest, I ain't. 

Maj. Have you deserted her ? Wretch, villain, deceiver ! 

(Shakes him.) 

Otto. Don't do it — don't do it. By chiminy, I'm getting 
so oxcited. 

Maj. Such a face — and such a figure. Whatever could my 
Gladys have seen in you ? And where is she ? Where have 
you hidden her? 

Otto. It vasn't me. I didn't did it. I ain't der man. 
It's mine brother. 

Maj. Are you or are you not Augustus Coo ? 

Otto. Chess, sir, I am not. 

Maj. (releasing him). It's a lucky escape for you. By 
George, I believe you are that escaped lunatic they're all talk- 
ing about. 

Otto (rising). No, sir. I am a detective. 

Maj. If you bring her back to me I'll give you a hundred 
dollars. 

Otto. I'll do it. 

Maj. My daughter might be very, very foolish — but she 
never would elope with a Dutchman. But 1'il get him yet — 
I'll get him yet. '[Exit, l. 

Otto. So much excitement is getting bad for me. I dink 
I'll take der next train und go mit mine Katrina back by Hamil- 
don Cidy in der Schtate of Ohio. 

(Starts r., and meets Plunk, who enters from r.) 

Plunk. We meet again. 

Otto. It's him. Veil (pause), do I get it ? 

Plunk. Ever afterwards. 

Otto. I mean the hundred and fifty dollars. 

Plunk (grasping him by cuff and leading him mysteriously 



38 THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 

down l., with long steps). Sh ! (Leads him to r. and repeats 
business.') Sh ! 

Otto. Dot makes two shisses. 

Plunk. We mustn't let the old place burn like this. 

Otto. Is it burning ? 

Plunk. And my dog. Have you seen my dog ? 

Otto. No, sir. 

Plunk. What? (Angrily.) I know you have seen my 
dog. 

Otto. Veil, I saw him yesterday, but not to-day. 

Plunk. When you do see him there is only one thing to do. 
Tie him up. 

Otto (making note in book). Tie him up. 

Plunk. And above all do not let him have any eggs. That 
would be dreadful. 

Otto (making note). No eggs. (Looks up.) But vy 
can't he have any eggs ? 

Plunk. That would ruin all. Don't you remember ? He's 
a setter. 

Otto (making notes). A setter. Then of course he can't 
have no eggs. 

Plunk. Now I'm the Indian chief. We must kindle the fire 
and roast the pale-faces at the stake. 

Otto. I don't vant to. 

Plunk. See, all the Indians are assembling. 

Otto. Are they ? Vhere are they ? 

Plunk. Why, there they go — and there — and there. 

Otto (looking). Gee, dey don't make much noise, do they ? 

Plunk. Soon I too must take the war-path. You meet me 
at the wigwam. 

Otto. Und then do I get it ? 

Plunk. Oh, yes. (Significantly^) Then, you get it. 

Otto (lightly). Oh, I just wanted to know. 

Plunk. And don't forget your name. 

Otto. Oh, yes, my name. Vot did you say my name vos ? 

Plunk. If any one inquires for Jarleck, you are he. 

Otto. Oh, Garlick. By chiminy, dot's a strong name. 

Plunk (leading him to l.). Now remember, meet me at the 
wigwam. 

Otto (at l. entrance). At the wigwam. 

Plunk. In half an hour. Begone. (Exit Otto hurriedly.) 
And so now I am alone at last. Only the piano player to disturb 
my musing. And the little leaves come drifting down, for a 



THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 39 

touch of winter is in the air. {Sits in chair and stretches feet 
out in front of him.) This is easy, a lead pipe cinch. They say 
I'm crazy; maybe I am, but if this is it, gee it's great to be 
crazy. 

{Specialty "It's Great to be Crazy " may be interpolated.) 
(Hort. runs in from L. ; crosses to Plunk very excitedly.') 

Hort. They're after us, Plunk. The whole village is 
aroused. They are going to take us back to the asylum. 

Plunk {dramatically). What do I hear ? They're after us ? 

Hort. Oh, yes. Don't let them take me back. Don't let 
them take me back. I won't go back. I'll go on the war- 
path and be a big Injun squaw. 

Plunk. Good. Big squaw. Me big Injun chief. {Draws 
revolver.) See, big gun ! Now, let them come. Richard is 
himself again. 

Hort. ( getting carving knife from lunch-counter). And so is 
Mrs. Richard. Oh, Plunk, I'm just learning how to carve a 
chicken. 

Plunk. Let them come on ! 

Hort. Some one approaches. Come. Hide. Here. 

{Back of counter.) 

Plunk. Me big Chief Woozy Firewater. 
Hort. Hide. 

(Plunk joins her back of counter. They hide as Jabo and 
Amb. enter from l.) 

Jabo. I don't care what she says. If you'll marry me, I'll 
put her on the train and send her back to where she came from. 

Amb. If I was sure she wouldn't sue you 

Jabo {eagerly). She won't. I always liked you the best any- 
way. So, if you'll just say the word 

Amb. {modestly). Oh, Jabo, I'm so bashful. 

Jabo. You do like me a little, don't you, heart's delight ? 

Plunk {hidden). Help ! 

Amb. Why, what was that ? 

Jabo. Some one's under that counter. 

Amb. {clinging to him). Don't you dare to go near it. Oh, 
Jabo, I'm so frightened. 



40 THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 

Jabo. Frightened, and me here? Don't you worry. I'll 
pertect ye. Come out of that. 

Amb. Maybe it's the escaped lunatics. 
Jabo. Come out or I'll pull you out. 

(Jabo crosses to counter. Plunk rises and covers him with 
revolver. Amb. shrieks. ) 

Plunk. Big Injun chief. Woozy Firewater on the war- 
path. Injun snake dance. 

(Dances Indian dance. Indian music.) 

Jabo. Don't shoot. (Kneels.} Please, Mr. Indian, don't 
shoot me. 

Plunk. Get up. Dance. Snake dance. 
Jabo. I can't do it. 

Plunk (threatening him with gu?i). Dance 1 
Amb. Do it, Jabo, do it. 

(Jabo dances jig.) 

Plunk. No, no. Indian dance. (Jabo imitates him.) 
Good. White squaw dance too. (Amb. dances in Indian 
style.) Good. All dance. 

(The three dance once around stage, hi single file , Plunk 
uttering ivhoops.) 

Hort. {joining them, dancing in rear). Hurray ! Swing 
yer partners. 

(All dance out r. in single file, Amb., Plunk, Jabo #/m?Hort.) 

Enter Mat. and Ara. from l., arm in arm. 

Ma j. Minty, you've made me the happiest man in America. 
We'll get married right away and then take a nice little honey- 
moon. 

Ara. I wonder what Jabo will say ? 

Maj. Jabo ; what's a Jabo ? 

Ara. It ain't a what, it's a he. 

Maj. A rival? (Hotly.) Where is he, where is he ? 

Ara. Never mind. Once we are married, what will we 
care ? But I'm so afraid his tender little heart will break. 

Enter Plunk from r., dancing war dance. Indian music. 



THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 4 1 

Plunk comes to Maj., grasps his arm and flourishes 
revolver. 

Plunk. Heap big Injun. Dance. War dance ! 
Ara. It's the lunatic. Save me, save me ! 
Plunk. Dance, dance ! Both of you, dance ! 
Maj. We'd better humor him. 

{They dance.) 

Enter Jabo and Amb. from r., dancing, followed by Hort., 
waving knife and uttering war-cries. All dance once 
around stage, then out at r. in following order : Plunk, 
Ara., Maj., Jabo, Amb. and Hort. Enter Glad, and 
Aug. from l. 

Glad. I wonder what all that noise is ? 

Aug. Probably they've caught the lunatics. 

Glad. Oh, Gussie, this is such a dreadful place. Please 
try and sell your overcoat. Then you can telegraph home for 
money. 

Aug. But the pawnbroker wouldn't take it. 

Glad. Sell it on the street. Papa is here. I've seen him, 

and if he should meet you {Cries.') Oh, Gussie, if papa 

should meet you, I'd be a widow in ten minutes. (At l. c.) 

Aug. I hope he won't meet me. (At r. c.) 

Enter Plunk and others ; they da?ice across stage at back. 
Plunk comes down c. but others face audience and dance 
at rear in Indian style. Glad, screams. 

Plunk. Injuns on war-path. Dance. Dance. (To Aug.) 
Aug. I can't dance. I don't know how to dance. 
Plunk (threatening him). Heap dance. Both dance. All 
dance. 

Aug. (dancing feebly). Don't shoot, please don't shoot. 

Plunk. Both dance. More dance. 

Glad. Oh, the lunatics. I'm faint. Gussie, papa ! 

(Faints in chair at l.) 

Maj. (rushing to her). My daughter. Quick, some water. 
(Ara. exits r. Enter Otto from l.) Call a cab and take 
her to the doctor's. Quick, she's fainted ! 

Otto. Chess, sir. 

(Runs out r. bumping into Kat., who enters r.) 



42 THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 

Glad, (recovering, rushes to Maj. at c. ; kneeling). Oh, 
papa, forgive me. Don't shoot him, don't shoot him. {Rises.) 

Kat. (sinking in chair vacated by Glad.). So much excite- 
ment. 

Enter Ara. from r. with glass of water. She rushes to Kat. 
a fid throws water in her face. 

Maj. Where is he ? Where is the villain that stole my 
child? (Waves whip.) 

Aug. (hiding behind Plunk). Help, help ! 

Plunk (thrusting revolver in Maj.'s face). Big chief 
shoot. Stand back. 

(As Plunk faces Maj., Otto enters from r., running in 
with wheelbarrow. He runs to Plunk and pushes wheel- 
barrow under him. Plunk falls on wheelbarrow. Jabo 
and Aug. tie Plunk with rope.) 

Maj. (shaking hands with Otto at a). You've saved my 
life. You've captured the lunatic I 
Otto. So much excitement. 

(Kat., on bench at l., shaking fist at Ara., who stands 
near her. Hort. stands on chair and then on counter 
waving knife. Amb. screams at back. Plunk in wheel- 
barrow at r. being tied by Jabo and Aug. Maj. shaking 
hands with Otto at c. Glad, at l. c.) 

Hort. (on counter). Votes for women, votes for women ! 

(General confusion.) 



CURTAIN 



ACT III 
SCENE.— Same as Acts I and II 

(Discovered, Aug. tied hand and foot, with handkerchief 
tied around mouth, seated up l. in wheelbarrow, to which 
he is tied. Amb. back of lunch- counter chewing gum and 
reading paper novel. Otto, with a small rifle, marching 
from L. to R. in centre of stage in burlesque soldier 
fashion, making jumps and turning square corners, etc. 
The appearance of Aug. must lead audience to believe 
that he is Plunk.) 

Otto. By chiminy, I'm der greatest detective vot never 
vos. Alone, mitout any assistance, have I captured der big 
lunatic. Und I'm sure to get half der reward, anyway. If I 
could get Mrs. Lunatic I vould get it all. (Stops at c.) Let 
me see vot my detective book says. (Reads.) " Ven you are 
undecided vot to do, use knock-me-out drops in a cup of 
coffee ; the criminal will drink the coffee, go to sleep and then 
he is in your power." Und here is der knock-me-out drops. 
(Shows small bottle.) I'll fix up a nice cup of coffee mit dese 
knock-me-outs und leave it here on der table. In comes Mrs. 
Lunatic, sees it, drinks it, goes to sleep, und she is mine ! 
Ah, ha, I'm on der trail, I'm on der trail ! (Crosses to lunch- 
counter and speaks to Amb.) Sh ! Not so loud ; it's a secret. 

Amb. (glancing up). Make a noise like a motor car and 
buzz away. I'm busy. 

Otto. Say, you don't know who I am, maybe? No? I 
thought you didn't. 

Amb. I should worry. (Resumes her reading.) 

Otto (posing). I'm der great detective. I'm der man vot 
caught der lunatic. 

Amb. (reading dramatically). "' Gwendolyn,' he says, 'I 
live for you alone. Come, fly with me from hence to me castle 
in the Black Mountains.' She hesitated but a moment, and 
then precipitated herself into his manly arms." 

Otto. Please, Miss Lady, I vould like a cup of coffee. 

Amb. (reading). "A foot was heard upon the stairs, an 
imperceptible shudder ran through her lovely frame, the door 
opened and Black Raymond stood upon the threshold." 

43 



44 THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 

Otto (much interested), Iss it possible? Vot did he do? 

Amb. (glancing up). Say, are you here yet ? 

Otto. Chess, ma'am, I think I am. 

Amb. Well, what do you want ? 

Otto. A cup of coffee. Just von nice leedle cup of coffee. 

Amb. With or without ? 

Otto. If it's all der same to you, I don't think dot it 
makes any difference. 

Amb. Oh. (Resumes her reading.) 

Otto (loudly). Say, dis is already too much. Do I get it 
or (slight pause) don't 1 get it? 

Amb. What was it you wanted ? 

Otto. A cup of coffee. A cup of coffee. Do you vant 
me to sing it to you? A cup of coffee. I need it for my 
detective vork. 

Amb. Oh. (Resumes her reading.) 

Otto (angrily). Say, don't you know dot I could arrest 
you, if I vant to ? I'm a detective. 

Amb. I should worry and get nasty wrinkles. 

Otto. I am about to capture a Mrs. Lunatic. 

Amb. Oh. And you want some coffee ? 

Otto. Chess, ma'am, if you please. 

Amb. (crossing to r. entrance). Oh, very well. 

Otto. Und I am in a hurry, also. 

Amb. (at door). Make a noise like a piece of ice and keep 
cool. [Exit, r. 

Otto. Dot girl gets me so excited. (Dramatically.) 
Vonce let Mrs. Lunatic drink dot cup of coffee und she is in 
my power forever. 

Enter Maj. from r. 

Maj. (grasping Otto by arm). Have you seen them? 

Otto. Chess, sir, I've got der man captured. Und now 
I'm going to get der lady. 

Maj. You've got the man? Splendid. (Draws whip.) 
Just let me get at him. Where is he? 

Otto. There he is. (Points to Aug. ) 

Maj. So, sir, you tried to elope with my daughter, did you ? 
(Raises whip toiuard Aug. ) Why, he hasn't got on a silk hat 
and a long black coat. It's the lunatic. 

Otto. Sure it is. Now I'm going to catch Mrs. Lunatic. 

Maj. I thought it was the scoundrel that eloped with my 
daughter. 



THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 45 

Otto. Oh, is your daughter still eloped ? 

Maj. Yes. But I'm on the trail. I saw the scoundrel, but 
he escaped me. He wears a silk hat and a long black coat, 
and carries a cane. 

Otto. Maybe I can find him for you. 

Maj. Do it. I'll give you a hundred dollars. It will be 
worth that much to me just to lay hands on the villain. 

Otto. I'll do it. All you have to do is to take a seat und 
keep calm. 

Maj. Calm, calm? I can't keep calm. {Crosses toward 
r.) Even Araminty can't keep me calm. {Starts to exit and 
collides with Amb., who drops cup of coffee.) Oh, I beg 
pardon. 

Amb. {looking at cup on floor ; slight pause). I should 
worry. Forty cents, please. 

Maj. {giving her coin). There you are. {Crosses to door 
r.) If I stay in this place much longer I shall be stark, staring 
mad. [Exit, r. 

Amb. {to Otto). Do you still want the coffee ? 

Otto. Chess, ma'am. Und please, I'm in a hurry. 

Amb. {loftily). Oh, very well. {Crosses to r.) In a mo- 
ment. [Exit, r. 

Otto. My, but I'm doing me a big business to-day. First 
I've caught der man Lunatic. Den I'm engaged to catch der 
lady mit a long black silk hat vot carries a cane. She's eloped. 
Den I must catch Mrs. Lunatic. Und I get a fifty dollars as 
veil as a hundred dollars. So much business, und I get so ex- 
cited. 

Enter Amb., with cup of coffee from l. 

Amb. {serving him at table doivn r.). Fifteen cents, please. 

Otto. Chess, ma'am. {Gives coin.) I'll put it here. {Places 
coffee on table. Amb. goes back of counter.) Und now for der 
knock-me-out drops, {Puts some in coffee.) Ah, ha, am I a 
detective? {Crosses to door at l.) Now, Mrs. Lunatic, dere 
is a nice leedle cup of coffee for you. Und as for me, I've got 
to find der lady vot eloped mit a black long silk hat und vot 
carries a cane. {At door.) I'm on der trail, I'm on der trail. 

{Makes dramatic exit with long strides.) 
Amb. {reading). " One look into his hateful countenance 
and she knew that she was already in his power. ' Spare me,' 
she moaned, but he remained firm as adamant." 



46 THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 

Enter J abo from R., dressed in wedding clothes and wearing 
large boutotmiere of red and white roses. 

Jabo. Ambrosia, at last ! 

Amb. Jabo. My, but you look swell. 

Jabo. It's all right. I've got the license. Now all we've 
got to do is to run over to the preacher's, get married and catch 
the midnight train for Niagara. You look sweet enough to kiss 
in that dress. 

Amb. Don't hurry me. I've worked too long in a lunch 
room to ever let anybody hurry me. Have you seen the lalla- 
paloosa ? 

Jabo. No, and I don't want to. I bought the Bill Suggs 
house on Water Street, and it's furnished from top to bottom 
with all new furniture, dollar down and a dollar a week. 

Amb. Oh, Jabo, you've got such winning ways. 

Jabo. Have you shut up the lunch-counter for the night ? 

Amb. Sure. We'd better hurry. The train leaves in twenty 
minutes. But we've got to have a bridesmaid. I simply won't 
be married without a bridesmaid. 

Jabo. We'll get the parson's wife to be your bridesmaid. 

Amb. Now, just wait till I lock up the dining-room. 
(Crosses to r.) And to think that this is my wedding eve. 

[Exit, r. 

Jabo. Fine girl, that ! Wonder what Araminty'll say when 
she finds it out? I couldn't stand her. And Ambrosia is 
right up to date and as pretty as a moving picture. I bought 
the tickets to Niagery Falls fer me and Araminty, but there 
ain't nothin' to prevent me and Miss McCarty usin' 'em. 
(Sees coffee.) Somebody's forgot to drink their coffee. 

( Takes up cup, lifts it to lips, and starts to drink as Glad. 
enters from l., quickly. She carries Aug.'s long black 
coat, silk hat and cane.) 

Glad. I beg your pardon. 

Jabo (setting cup down without drinking). You kin have 
it fer nothin'. 

Glad, (timidly). You wouldn't like to buy a nice coat and 
hat, would you? 

Jabo (looking at it curiously). Where did ye get it? 

Glad. They belong to Augustus. He's my husband, you 
know. In his hurry to get married this morning he forgot to 
bring any money with him. And here we are started on a 



THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 47 

wedding tour without a cent. And papa is after us. If you 
buy this coat we can get enough to telegraph for more. 

Jabo {examining it critically). What ye want for it? 

Glad. About sixty dollars. 

Jabo {handing it back to her). Good-night. 

Glad. Well, I'll take two dollars. 

Jabo. Coat, hat and cane ? 

Glad. Yes, all. It's a big bargain, but we must have the 
money at once. 

Jabo. Where is your husband ? 

Glad. I don't know. I think he's waiting for me at the 
telegraph office. 

Jabo {giving bill). There's your two dollars. 

Glad. Oh, thank you so much. (Jabo dons coat a?id hat.) 
They fit you awfully well, don't they? 

Jabo. Kinder sporty lookin', ain't I? 

Glad. It looks lovely. 

Enter Amb. from R. 

Amb. There, I'm all ready. Oh, get hep to the Broadway 
dazzler. Jabo, you're a dream. 

Jabo {swelling up). That's what they all say. 

Glad, {timidly to Amb.)- I wonder if I could have a little 
lunch. 

Amb. Nothing doing. Dining-room' s closed for the night, 
and the cashier is on her way to Niagara Falls. 

Glad. To Niagara? 

Amb. That's the word. {Takes Jabo's arm a?id they cross 
to l.) If any one inquires for me kindly tell them that I've 
gone to get married. [Exeunt Jabo and Amb., grandly, at l. 

Glad. How very romantic. But I'm so hungry. {Sees 
coffee.) Why, here's a perfectly good cup of corTee. {Takes 
it up.) I wonder if I'd dare. {Starts to drink.) No, I'd 
better not. {Sets it down.) One never knows what it 
might be. 

Enter Kat. from l. 

Kat. Excuse me, but is der train ready to make a go yet ? 
Yes? No? 

Glad. It doesn't leave before midnight. 

Kat. Such a long vaitings? I dink I'll go me ofer by der 
grocery store und see if they got some slimberger cheese yet. 



48 THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 

(Crosses to L.) 

Glad. I'll go with you. I'm so hungry. Perhaps I can 
buy some fruit. 

Kat. Yaw, I want some of dot, too. Onions. 

[Exit l., followed by Glad. 

Enter Maj. and Ara. from r., arm-in-arm. 

Ara. (as they come down a). It's just like old times again, 
Hannibal. 

Maj. And you really think you could learn to love me, 
Minty ? 

Ara. Learn? Oh, Hannibal, I've never forgotten how. 
I've loved you always. 

Maj. I got the license right here. Now all we have to do 
is to step over to the minister's, say the words, and then take a 
little trip to Niagara Falls. 

Ara. Oh, Hannibal. I've always wanted to go to Niagara 
Falls. 

Maj. I'll show my daughter and that foolish husband of 
hers that two can play at the marriage game as well as one. 
I'll show them. 

Ara. Hannibal, why not forgive them and let them come 
back home? 

Maj. {angrily). Forgive them ? Forgive the scorpion that 
has stung the hand that fed her? Let them come back home ? 
Her and him? I mean he and she? Never. And if I ever 
lay eyes on him I'll thrash him within an inch of his life. We 
might as well hurry along. The ticket office won't be open for 
ten minutes. 

Ara. Oh, Hannibal, I feel so faint. I don't believe I ever 
can survive the ceremony. 

Maj. Don't faint now. Brace up. Be a man. 

Ara. Oh, it's so very, very sudden. 

Maj. {taking cup of cojfee). Here, take a sip of this coffee. 
This will strengthen you. 

{Just as Ara. goes to drink enter Otto.) 

Otto. Oh, meester, come quick. Over by der preacher 
man's. I've got him. Got her and him both. Long black 
overcoat, high hat and a cane. 

Maj. {drawing whip). Where is he? Lead me to him. 

Otto. Come quick. They're getting married. 



THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 49 

Maj. Getting married ? Quick, show me the place. 
Otto. Over here. Come on. [Exit, L. 

Maj. Now for my revenge. {Runs out l.) 
Ara. Wait for me, wait for me. 

{Places cup on table and rwis out l. with funny little steps. 
Hort. peeks in at window?) 

Hort. Ah, ha, the old mill is now deserted. But see the 
victim is all ready for the sacrifice. {Enters r.) I'll stick him 
once with this knife and then saddle me noble moonbeams and 
make a dash for the North Pole. {Crosses and looks at Aug.) 
'Tis he, 'tis he, 'tis him. {Tickles him with knife. He 
squirms.') So the noble redskin is at last brought to bay. 
{Comes down and picks up cup of coffee.) Ah, ha! What 
have we here? A cup of tea. {Holds it toward Aug.) 
Here's looking at you, Plunk. {Starts to drink, changes her 
mind and replaces cup.) But no. Why should I dally here at 
the old inn ? The pursuers are on me trail. I must away. 
They come. {Crosses to r.) They come, they come. 

[Exit, r. 

Enter Kat. from l. with wienerwurst and cheese. She crosses 
to table and sits. She carries carpet-bag. 

Kat. {eating). I vonder vere leedle Otto is keeping him- 
self. He made twenty-five dollars for catching der lunatic und 
to-night we catch der train und go back by Hamildon Cidy in 
der Schtate of Ohio. {Takes up coffee cup.) This town has 
got too much excitement for me. {Starts to drink.) 

Enter Otto from l. quickly, with satchel. 

Otto. Hold! Take it avay. Don't drink it. It's 
poisoned. 

Kat. {placing cup on table). Poisoned ? For vy is it 
poisoned ? 

Otto. It's worse dan poisoned. It's awful. 

Kat. Ain't it coffee ? 

Otto. It's knock-me-outs. By golly, if you'd drink dot, 
you'd be sleeping already. It's a trap to catch der Mrs. 
Lunatic. 

Kat. A trap ? Iss she a mouse ? 

Otto. How foolishness. Of course she issn't a mouse. 
She's a lady vot is bug-house. 



50 THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 

Kat. Vy don't she move ? 

Otto. Move ? For vy should she move ? 

Kat. If she's got bugs in her house — — 

Otto. Foolisher yet again. She ain't got a house. She's 
lunatical. She's got rats in her garret. 

Kat. Foolishness yourself. If she ain't got a house, how 
can she have a garret ? 

Otto. Oh, it's a shame to listen to conversation, ven you 
hear vot you say. 

Kat. Now say it in English. 

Otto. You get me so excited. I can't stay here so long 
already. I've got so much business. Yoost now I've got to 
catch an eloped couple. I saw 'em at der preacher man's get- 
ting married, I run here to tell der old man, we run back right 
quick — but it vas too late. They had disappeared. 

Kat. Who disappeared ? 

Otto. The eloping couple. 

Kat. {eating sausage). Chess, I know — but is it a man or 
a voman ? 

Otto. It is a couple. Two. Here is von {pointing) und 
here is another. See, if I got a cabbage in this hand, dot's 
von. Und if 1 got a cabbage in dis hand, dot's two. Dot 
makes a couple. 

Kat. Oh, is dot it ? Now at last I know vot iss a couple. 

Otto. So much intelligence. I'm glad you do. Vot iss it ? 

Kat. Two cabbages. 

Enter Jabo and Amb. from l., arm-inarm. Jabo carries 

satchel. 

Jabo. My own little wife. 

Otto. Der long black coat, der silk hat und cane. . It's 
him. Don't let 'em get avay, Katrina. Make 'em stay here 
until I get der old man yet already. [Exit, R., quickly. 

Kat. Oxcuse me, please, but are you der couple ? 

Amb. Yes. We're the couple that's just been made one. 

Kat. Und, please, vere is der cabbages ? 

Amb. Whatever can you mean, my good woman ? 

Jabo. She means the rice and old shoes. Maybe she's 
going to throw cabbages at us. 

Amb. She'd better not. Oh, Jabo, only think we're married 
and soon we'll be started on our honeymoon. 

Ma j. {outside r.). Where is he ? Where is he ? 

Jabo. Sounds like a row, Maybe we'd better be going. 



THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 5 1 

Amb. Jabo, don't forget that you're the police force of 
Splinterville. 

Jabo. Yes, that's so. But I don't want to have any trouble 
on my bridal eve. 

Enter Maj. with whip, followed by Ara. and Otto. Ara. car- 
ries her bundles and bird cage. 

Maj. (rushing down c. to Jabo). The long black coat ! 

Otto. Und der silk hat und cane. It's him, it's him. 

Maj. {grabbing Jabo). Now, sir, where is she ? Where is 
your poor deluded wife ? 

Amb. Here I am right here. 

Maj. I'm not referring to you. I mean my daughter. This 
villain eloped and married her this morning. Where is she, 
you viper ? 

Jabo. I don't know what you're talking about. 

Amb. Married to another woman this morning ! Oh, you 
bigamist, you Mormon. I suppose it was the lalla-paloosa. 

Ara. Great goodness, it's Jabo Grabb. And he wanted to 
marry me. 

Maj. Where is she ? {Seizes him by collar.) Where is 
the bride you have deserted on her wedding day ? 

Enter Glad, from l., with two new suit-cases. 

Glad, (at l.). Papa ! 

Maj. Gladys ! (At r. c.) 

Otto (at r.). By chiminy, I'll bet dot is Mrs. Lunatic. 

Kat. If it is, vere is der rats in her garret? (At r.) 

Maj. There she is. There is the innocent child you have 
deceived. There is the girl you married this morning. 

Jabo (at a). I never married her in all my life. 

Glad. Oh, papa, where is Augustus ? I've lost him again. 

Maj. Isn't this Augustus ? (Refers to Jabo.) 

Glad. That Augustus ? I should say not. 

Jabo. There, I told you so. 

Amb. And you never married any one else but me, did you, 
Jabo ? 

Ara. Married ? Is he married to you ? 

Amb. Yes, he is. What are you going to do now ? 

Ara. Not a thing. 

Jabo. Ain't going to sue me, are you, Araminty ? 

Ara. Glad to get rid of you. I've just been married my- 
self. 



52 THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 

Otto. By chiminy, everybody's getting to be lunatics. 

Maj. This young lady has just been married to me. We 
are on our way to Niagara. 

Jabo. And so are we. (Crosses to Amb. up r. c.) 

Glad, (down l.). And so am I and Augustus. When I 
find him. 

Maj. He's probably hiding from me. (Ate. with Ara.) 

Ara. But you'll forgive him, won't you, Hannibal ? For 
my sake ? 

Maj. Where is he ? Has he run away and deserted you ? 

(To Glad.) 

Glad. Of course not. He's just temporarily mislaid. 
Vou'll forgive us, won't you? 

Maj. Well, if you don't bother me on my honeymoon 

Glad. Oh, we won't. We'll go to Yellowstone Park. 
Please, please say that you'll forgive Gussie. 

Maj. Well, I will. But Gussie can't live with me. 

(Aug. rises, dragging bench with him.) 

Otto. Hold on, hold on. Vait a minute. My lunatic is 
escaping. 

(Otto and Glad, grab Aug. and try to calm him.) 

Glad. Oh, papa, this isn't the lunatic. That hair, those 
eyes ; it is — it is Augustus. 
All. Augustus ? 
Glad. Untie him at once. It's my Gussie. 

(Men release Aug.) 

Otto. By chiminy, if you're you, then vere is der other 
lunatic ? 

Aug. I was searching for my wife and lost my way on the 
street. Just as I passed a dark alley I was set upon by the 
two lunatics. The man had evidently escaped. They bound 
and gagged me and tied me in here. Oh, Gladys, I've had 
such a terrible time. 

Glad. I know you have, darling. But papa forgives you. 
Don't you, papa? 

Ara. Hannibal, speak up and say that you forgive them. 

Maj. Well, I guess I do. 



THE DUTCH DETECTIVE 53 

Glad, (down l. with Aug.). He forgives you ! Oh, 
Gussie. 

Aug. My ownest Gladys. 

(Embraces her. They turn back to audience and converse 
in pantomime.*) 

Jabo {down r. with Amb.). My sweetness. 

Amb. Oh, you Jabo ! {Same business.) 

Maj. Araminty ! {Down l. c. with Ara.) 

Ara. My Hannibal ! {Same business.) 

Otto {at r. a). Katrina ! 

Kat. Mine leedle Dutch Otto. {Same business.) 

(All have back to audience and are talking in pantomime. 
Indian music. Enter Plunk and Hort. from l. stealth- 
ily. No one takes any notice of them.) 

Plunk {crossing front of stage stealthily with Hort.). 

Now, Miss Hortensey Smatters 

Hort. Now, Mr. Plunk Jarleck 

Plunk. We can go and put out the fire. 
Hort. Oh, Plunk, look at all the lunatics. 

{Points to four couples.) 

Plunk. We should worry. 

\Exeunt Plunk a?id Hort., slowly, at r. i e. 

(Noise heard outside l. of incoming train. Whistle, engine 
bell, etc. Finally voice of train caller is heard outside l.) 

Voice (outside l.). This train for Higbee, Bigbee and 
Jiggbee and all points south-southwest. (Name several near-by 
towns.) Change cars for (name several other near-by towns) 
and Niagara Falls. 

(All make a rush for bundles, etc., and start to exit L., 
laughing and talking as curtain falls. Otto and Kat. 
are last to go. He picks up coffee cup and gives it to 
Kat. who drinks coffee. She then takes his arm and they 
walk proudly out atL., Otto winking at audience.) 



CURTAIN 



New Plays 



THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 

A Farce in Two Acts 
By Bertha Currier Porter 
Five males, eight females. Costumes, modern ; scene, an interior. Plays 
one and a half hours. An exceptionally bright and amusing little play of 
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Pricey 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 
Mortimer J. Sterling, an easy-going business man. 
Victor Brown, a young doctor, friend of the family and especially 

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Harry Stevenson, a club reporter, attentive to Clara, 
Barnes, the butler. 

Mike Shannon, a very new policeman. 
Mrs. Lydia Sterling, domestic and quiet, 
Minerva Sterling, willing to oblige. 
Clara Sterling, her younger sister. 
Molly, the maid. 

Belle Brantley, reporter for " The Screamer,'* 
Mrs. Wright, a club woman. 
Miss Palmer, a philanthropic worker. 
Mrs. Jennie Van Deusen Spuyker, a Personage. 
Members of the reception committee. 

A CHANGE OF HEART 

A Comedy in Two Acts 

By Albert H. Good 

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Plays an hour and a half. An easy, pretty and effective play, suited for 

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MAKING A SISTER 

A Mock Initiation for Ladies in One Act 
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New Plays 



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A Comedy in Three Acts 

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Six male, nine female characters. Costumes modern ; scenery, an in- 
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CHARACTERS 

George Higgins, a Tuffs A. B. . . . Ernest S. Swenson 

Jack Abbott, ) Tuffs sub-freshmen, camp- Stanley M. Brown 

Fred Lawton, J ing with Higgins . . Arthur J. Anderson 

Raymond Fitzhenry, a Harvard student Arthur T. Hale 

Dick Norton, ) «. . ... ^ M - M ^ M , Ernest A. Larrabee 

Tom Crosby, j °ff' hia ™S™ e ™ • • Ferdinand Bryham 
Marjorie Tyndall, George s cousin; a 

Smith girl Helen J. Martin 



Dorothy F. Entwistle 

Edith H. Bradford 
■ Jackson girls Marjorie L Renry 

Beatrice L. Davis 
Mrs. Higgins, the chaperon. George's 

mother Effie M. Ritchie 

Mrs. Sparrow, a farmer s wife. {Not in the original cast.} 



Alice Bennett, 
Agnes Arabella Bates, 
Ruth French, 
Blanche Westcott, 



mIndy, }^r daughters. 



SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — The Girls' Camp at Sherwood, 7 A. M. 
Act II. — The Fellows' Camp at Sherwood, 8 A. M. 
Act III.— Same as Act I, 10 a. m. 

A BRIDE FROM HOME 

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CONTENTS 
Too Late for the Train. Two males. 
An Original Idea. One male, one female. 
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The Peddler of Very-Nice. Seven males. 
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An attractive collection of popular pieces. 
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By George M. Baker 
Nine entertainments for school exhibitions and graduating exercises. 
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The Voyage of Life. Nine girls and chorus. 
The Tournament of Idylcourt. Twenty girls. 
The Sculptor's Triumph. One boy, five girls. 
The Rival Poets. Two boys. 
The Revolt of the Bees. Nine girls. 
The War of the Roses. Nine girls. 
Lightheart's Pilgrimage. Eleven girls. 
The Seven Ages. Eight boys, three girls. 
\ Visions of Freedom. Eighteen girls. 

All published separately at 15 cents each. 
Price, jo cents 

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By E. E. Brewster, and others 
Eighteen dialogues for school or home performance, comprising many 
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Seventeen dialogues for school or home performance, carefully selected 
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THE DEACON'S SECOND WIFE 

A Comedy in Three Acts by Allan Abbott. Six males, six females, 
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A Comedy Drama in Three Acts by Anthony E. Wills. Six males, five 
females. Costumes, modern; scenery, one interior. Plays two and a 
quarter hours. An effective and up-to-date play well suited for amateur 
performance. All the parts good and fairly even in point of opportunity ; 
the ladies' parts especially so. Easy to stage, and well suited for schools. 
Well recommended. Price, 25 cents 

THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 

A Farce in Two Acts by Bertha Currier Porter. Five males, eight fe- 
males. Costumes, modern; scene, an interior. Plays one and a half 
hours. An exceptionally bright and amusing little play of high class and 
recommended to all classes of amateur players. Full of action and 
laughs, but refined. Irish low comedy part. Strongly endorsed. 
Price, 25 cents 



/ 



HALF HOURS OF VAUDEVILLE 

In arranging an entertainment for club, lodge, church or society, how 
often does the committee in charge find themselves with a half-hour on 
their hands, for which no suitable feature has been prepared. It is for 
just such occasions that this book has been arranged. The selections are 
all up to date, and have been written with the view of pleasing just such 
audiences. They can be played in any lodge room, church platform, or 
even in a parlor ; and while simple in construction, give ample opportunity 
for the display of histrionic talent. 

By Gordan V. May 
Price, 25 cents 

CONTENTS 

Male Female 

One Little Shoe Dramatic Sketch . 1 1 

Just Notions Farcical " .1 1 

After Many Years .... Dramatic " .2 2 

A Lesson In Love .... Comedy " .1 1 

The Baby Comedy " . 1 1 

The Baby . . . same as above, arranged for . 2 
Vengeance Is Mine .... Tragic Sketch . 2 
Dr. Dobbs' Assistant . • . Farcical " .6 

For the Sake of a Thousand Comedy " .2 1 

Marinda's Beaus Comic Pantomime 2 1 

1750-1912 2 

CASTE 

An Original Comedy in Three Acts 
By T. W. Robertson 
Four males, three females. Scenery, a single interior ; costumes, 
modern. Plays a full evening. A reproduction of the famous Boston 
Museum prompt-book of this sterling play, containing all the customary 
" business " and interpolations used in the American theatre. Few plays 
give more even and varied opportunity to its actors or more effectively 
mingle humor and strong dramatic interest than this, and none ever en- 
joyed wider or more enthusiastic popularity at the time of its first pro- 
duction. Strongly recommended for amateur performance. 
Price, 13 cents 

TWO STRIKES 

A Baseball Comedy in Two Acts 
By Thacher Howland Guild 
Six males, one female. Costumes, modern; scenery, two interiors. 
Plays an hour and a quarter. Originally produced by The Mask and 
Bauble Society of the University of Illinois, and highly recommended for 
similar uses. Very easy to produce, all the parts of nearly equal oppor- 
tunity, dramatic interest unusually strong. Can be relied upon to please. 
Price, 23 cents 



TEAM-WORK 

A College Comedy in Three Acts 

By H. Q. Gallupe and Charles Gott 

Prize-winner, Pen, Paint and Pretzel Contest, Tufts College, November, IQIO 

Ten males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. 
Plays two hours and a quarter. The college course of Bob, the mainstay 
of the football team, is threatened by his father's ruin, due to the schem- 
ing of the uncle and patron of Humphrey, a classmate. Humphrey places 
his own standing in jeopardy to save his chum and finally saves the situ- 
ation. This is the backbone of a strong play with very strong and various 
incidental interests and lots of first class comedy. Good atmosphere, lots 
of humor, strong characters ; can be highly recommended. 
Price, 2 'j cents 

CHARACTERS 
Stewart Almy, " Toot," a member of "Paint and Powder" a 

dramatic club. 
William Jefferson Jordan, "Shine," the playwright, member of 

' 'Paint and Powder. 
Bob Richards, captain of the football team, host at Forest Lodge. 
H. Gardner Humphrey, football manager. 
Frank Bell, electrician for "Paint and Powder." 
Bill Black, ") 

T^m White' [ stage hands for " Paint and Powder." 

Sam Green, J 

Messenger Boy. 

Dorothy Sprague, 1 

Edith Richards, Bob's sister, l Students at Jackson College. 

Ruth Sargent, J 

Mrs. Hodgkins, Bob's aunt, the chaperon. 

Amy Sinclair Grandby, a Radcliffe student, Edith 1 s friend. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — Dining-room at Forest Lodge, morning. 
Act II.— Same as Act I. Evening of the following day. 
Act III. — Stage of the college gymnasium, on the afternoon 
preceding the performance of the Paint and Powder play. 

THE CRIBBER 

A College Comedy in Three Acts 
By W. P. Mcintosh 
Six males, five females. Costumes, modern; scenery, three easy in- 
teriors. Plays an hour and a half. A student finds an examination paper 
that a professor has mislaid and hides it for temporary safety in another 
student's desk, where it is found in a search for a lady's letter by a jealous 
rival. The case looks black against a very popular man for a while, but 
is finally cleared up. Co-educational piece, with good atmosphere and 
lots of incidental fun. 

Price, ij cents 



LOST— A CHAPERON 

A Comedy in Three Acts by Courtney Bruerton and W. S. Maulsby. 
Six male, nine female characters. Costumes, modern; scenery, an in 
tenor and an exterior. Plays a full evening. A lot of college girls in 
camp lose their chaperon for twenty- four hours, and are provided by a 
camp of college boys across the lake with plenty of excitement. The parts 
are all good, the situations are very funny and the lines full of laughs. 
Recommended for high-school performance. Price, 25 cents 

THE PRIVATE TUTOR 

A Farce in Three Acts by E. J. Whisler. Five male, three female char- 
acters. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two simple interiors. Plays two hours. 
Tells of the endeavors of two college boys to disguise the fact that they have 
been " rusticated " from the family of one of them. Hans Dinklederfer, 
the leader of a German band, trying to make good in the character of a 
private tutor, is a scream. All the parts are good. A capital high-school 
play. Price, 25 cents 

THE REBELLION OF MRS. BARCLAY 

A Comedy of Domestic Life in Two Acts by May E. Countryman. 
Three male, six female characters. Costumes, modern; scenery, easy 
interiors. Plays one hour and three-quarters. A clever and amusing 
comedy with all the parts evenly good. There are many Mr. Barclays all 
over this country, and Mrs. Barclay's method of curing her particular one 
will be sympathetically received. Good Irish comedy parts, male and fe- 
male. Strongly recommended. Price, 25 cents 

THE TRAMPS' CONVENTION 

An Entertainment in One Scene for Male Characters Only by Jessie A. 
Kelley. Seventeen male characters. Costumes, typical tramp di - ess ; 
scenery, unimportant. Plays an hour and a half. An entertainment in 
the vaudeville class, with possibilities of unlimited fun. Music can be in- 
troduced, if desired, though this is not necessary. The opening is very 
funny and original and the finish — The Ananias Club — can be worked up 
to any extent. Strongly recommended. Price, 25 cents 

THE DAY THAT LINCOLN DIED 

A Play in One Act by Prescott Warren and Will Hutchins. Five male, 
two female characters. Costumes, modern ; scene, an easy exterior. Plays 
thirty minutes. A very effective play suited for a Lincoln Day entertain- 
ment. It offers plenty of comedy, and is a piece that we can heartily 
recommend. Professional stage-rights reserved. Price, 23 cents 

PA'S NEW HOUSEKEEPER 

A Farce in One Act by Charles S. Bird. Three male, two female char- 
acters. Modern costumes ; scenery, a simple interior or none at all. Plays 
forty minutes. Jack Brown, visiting his chum, is tempted by his success 
in college theatricals to make up in the character of the new housekeeper, 
an attractive widow, who is expected but does not arrive. He takes in 
everybody and mixes things up generally. All the parts are first rate and 
the piece full of laughs. Strongly recommended. Price, ij cents 



TAKING THE CENSUS IN BINGVILLE 

An Entertainment in One Act by Jessie A. Kelley. Fourteen males, 
eight females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, unimportant. Plays an hour 
and a half. One of the always popular go-as-you-please entertainments ; 
just a lot of laughs strung on a very slender wire of story. Full of eccen- 
tric character bits and chances for local hits. A sure success for the 
laughter-loving. Recommended for church societies or intimate com- 
munities. Price, 25 cents 

MISS PRIM'S KINDERGARTEN 

An Entertainment in One Scene by Jessie A. Kelley. Ten males, 
eleven females. No scenery or curtain needed; costumes introduce 
grown people dressed as children. Plays an hour and a half. Full of 
laughs and a sure hit with the audience. All the parts very easy except 
the Teacher's, and as it is possible for her to use a book, the entertain- 
ment can be got up with exceptional ease and quickness. Can be recom- 
mended. Price, 25 cents 

THE PACKING OF THE HOME MIS- 
SIONARY BARREL 

An Entertainment in One Scene by Mrs. Henry A. Hallock. Ten fe- 
males. Costumes, modern ; scenery, unimportant. Plays thirty minuter:. 
One of those little satires of feminine ways that are so popular even witk 
the ladies; very shrewd and effective, but perfectly good-natured. An as- 
sured success and very easy to get up. Strongly recommended. 
Price, ij cents 

A MODERN SEWING SOCIETY 

An Entertainment in One Scene by O. W. Gleason. Fourteen females. 
Costumes, modern ; no scenery required. May be easily presented on a 
bare platform. Plays forty-five minutes. A humorous picture of this 
much-abused institution, briskly and vivaciously written and full of 
" points." Its characters offer a wide variety of opportunity for local hits, 
and satire of local characters and institutions. Price, 15 cents 

HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 

An Entertainment in Three Scenes by Mrs. O. W. Gleason. Eighteen 
females. Costumes, modern; scenery, unimportant. Plays one and a 
half hours. A humorous skit on the Woman's Club suited for perform- 
ance by either young or middle-aged women. Full of points and chances 
for local hits and thus a sure laugh-maker. Parts well distributed ; can 
be recommended. Price, 15 cents 

SCENES IN THE UNION DEPOT 

A Humorous Entertainment in One Scene by Laura M. Parsons. 
Twenty-four males, eighteen females and eight children, but can be played 
by less if desired. Scenery, unimportant ; costumes, modern. Full of 
humorous points and chances to introduce local hits. Plays from an hour 
up, according to specialties introduced. Price, 25 cents 



THE BOY SCOUTS 

A Play for Boys in Three Acts 

By Walter Ben Hare 

Twenty males. Scenery, unimportant ; costumes, scout and modern. 
Plays two hours. Wortli refuses to vote for Tony as a new scout because 
the latter is poor, but Tony shows in the end that he is a true scout and 
wins his election. This simple motive underlies lots of characteristic fun 
and stunts, and offers as a whole a very vigorous and sympathetic picture 
of the Boy Scout practices, motives, and ideals. Strongly recommended. 
Price, 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 

Stewart Nipper, known as Nip. 

Fred Tuck, known as Tuck. 

Dick Randolph, the patrol leader. 

Worthington Leonard, a rich boy. 

Tony Ardis, a poor boy. 

Jakie Stein, with business instincts. 

Chubby Childs, who don't care if he is fat. 

Watermelon Jackson, a lazy coon. 

Mrs. Watermelon Jackson, and her seven little coons, [May bi 

omitted. ) 
Lippy Scudder, who thinks he's a hero. 
Bub Waldron, going on seven. 
Jack Hall, assistant patrol leader. 
Plupy Higgins, who likes to study. 
Lee Waldron, wme athlete. 
Tom Redway, who plays the piano. 
Shorty, Harry, Charley, Will and Frank, other Boy Scouts. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I, — The meeting of the Boy Scouts of America. Nip and 
Tuck. 
Act II. — A rehearsal in the gym. The stunts of the Scouts. 
Act III. — Same as Act I. Swearing in the new tenderfoot. 



AUNT ABIGAIL AND THE BOYS 

A Farce in One Act 

By Lillie Fuller Merriam 

Nine males, two females. Scene, an interior ; costumes, modern. 
Plays one hour. Aunt Abigail, who hates boys, visits Gerald in college 
and finding him dressed in female costume for theatricals takes him for 
his sister Geraldine. Things are badly mixed up when his friends turn 
up and see the situation, but in the end Aunty is wholly cured of her 
dislike for the " boys." Lively and amusing ; recommended for schools. 
Price, ij cents 



THE VOICE OF AUTHORITY 

A Farce in Three Acts 

For Female Characters Only 

By Bertha Currier Porter 
Seven females. Costumes, modern; scenery, a plain interior. Plays 
two hours. Seven girls go camping all by themselves so as to have no 
men bothering around. After a week of it they decide to send for their 
brothers and fiances, but they have no sooner done so than they are noti- 
fied that their camp has been quarantined by the authorities because one of 
them the day before has been seen holding a baby that has the scarlet 
fever. The men arrive, but are not allowed to enter, and the girls can- 
not come out. Trouble follows, ended by the discovery that the baby did 
not have scarlet fever after all. Full of life and laughs ; strongly recom- 
mended. 

Price, 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 
Jean Campbell, the stenographer, engaged to Bert. 
Priscilla Carter, the newspaper woman, engaged to Ralph. 
Martha Stearns, the cooking teacher, e?igaoed to Max. 
Gladys Cushing, the butterfly, engaged to Charlie. 
Margery Whiting, the bride-to-be, engaged to Billy. 
Elizabeth Kennedy, mdependent, not engaged at all. 
Dr. E. T. Simpson, the physician. 
And 
The Voice of Authority, unseen but all-powerful. 

THE COMING OF ANNABEL 

A Comedy in One Act 
By Alice C. Thompson 
Six females. Costumes, modern ; scene, an interior. Plays thirty 
minutes. A group of village gossips, bent on the slaughter of the char- 
acter of a visitor to the town, are routed and reformed by the example of 
Annabel's charity and amiability. Good character. Clever and effective. 
Price, 15 cents 

THE MISSES PRINGLES* LEAP YEAR 

A Comedy in Two Acts 
By Amaryllis V. Lord 
Ten females and the apparition of a man. Costumes, modern ; scenery, 
unimportant. Plays half an hour. The Misses Barbara, Priscilla and 
Betsy Pringle, while scorning matrimony in public, have a secret inclina- 
tion toward it, and taking advantage of leap year, each, without the 
knowledge of the others, proposes by letter to Deacon Smith with sur- 
prising results. Very easy and amusing, requiring no scenery and but 
little rehearsing. 

Price, if cents 



H. W. Pitiere's Plays 

Price, SO gents Gacb 



1\fl in CU A NNFI Pla y in Four Acts « Six m »les, five females. 
miU-K,llJ\VlLJL,Lt Costumes, modern; soenery, three interiors. 
Plays two and a half hours. 

THE NOTORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITH Eff*Si*K 

males, five females. Costumes, modern; scenery, all interiors. 
Plays a full evening. 



females. Scenery, three interiors, rather 
elaborate ; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THF QPHnni MIQTBFQQ Farce in Three Acts. Nine males, 
lfl£i i3UnUUL.lYII»3 1 S\.SLOd seven females. Costumes, mod- 
ern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

THE SECOND MRS. TANQUERAY SS,^ 

females. Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a 
full evening. 



four females. Scene, a single interior, 
costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

Till? TUTTNnPPRAI T Comedy in Four Acts. Ten males, 
lll£i I nUilUmVDV/Lil n i n e females. Scenery, three interi- 
ors; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

TKF TIMF^l Comedy in Pour Acts. Six males, seven females. 
1 i l£i 1 UYlEiij Scene, a single interior; costumes, modern. Plays 
ft full evening. 

THF WV&VV® QI7Y Comedy in Three Acts. Eight males, 
UlEi YVEiAIYE.IV 1JE1A. eight females. Costumes, modern; 
scenery, two interiors. Plays a full evening. 



Five males, four females. 

Costumes, modern ; scene, a single interior. Plays a full evening. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

Salter % Pafeer & Company 

No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 



k. 




decent popular $laps 



THE AWAKENING 



Play in Four Acts. By C. H. Chambers. 

Four males, six females. Scenery, not diffi- 
cult, chiefly interiors ; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 
Price, 50 Cents. 

THE FRUITS OF ENLIGHTENMENT gJT&JS^ u T r w££ 

one males, eleven females. Scenery, c?" iracteristic interiors; cos- 
tumes, modern. Plays a full evening, ,-tecommended for reading 
clubs. Price, 35 Cents. 

HIS EXCELLENCY THE GOVERNOR £%££%£*■•& 

males, three females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior. 
Acting rights reserved. Time, a full evening. Price, 50 Cents. 

AN fflFAI HINSUNI1 Comedy in Four Acts. By Oscar Wilde. 
Ail lULtALf llUOiitllUt Nine males, six females. Costumes, mod- 
ern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. Acting rights 
reserved Sold for reading. Price, 50 Cents. 

arce in Three 
Acts. By Oscar 
Wilde. Five males, four females. Costumes, modern ; scenes, two 
interiors and an exterior. Plays a full evening. Acting rights re- 
served. Price, 50 Cents. 

LADY WINDERMERE'S FAN Htr-VK 

males. Costumes, modern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full 
evening. Acting rights reserved. Price, 50 Cents. 

NATHAN HA! P Pla ^ in Four Acts - ' B ? Clyde Fitch. Fifteen 
ilAllliln ilALtLt males, four females. Costumes of the eighteenth 
century in America. Scenery, four interiors and two exteriors. Act- 
ing rights reserved. Plays a full evening. Price, 50 Cents^ 

Comedy in Three Acts. By M. B. Horne. 

Six males, four females. Scenery, two 
interiors ; costumes, modern. Professional stage rights reserved. 
Plays a full evening. Price, 50 Cents. 



THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST j£ 



THE OTHER FELLOW 



Chambers. Four males, three fe- 
males. Scenery, an interior and an exterior ; costximes, modern. 
Acting rights reserved. Plays a full evening. Price, 50 Cents. 

Comedy in Four Acts. B 
Oscar Wilde. Eight males", 
seven females. Costumes, modern : scenery, three interiors and an 
exterior. Plays a full evening. Stage rights reserved. Offered for 
reading only. Price, 50 Cents. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

Salter i^ 'Baftet & Company 

No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 



L * CO.. PRINTERS. BOSTON. 



